NEW YORK CITY – At long last, we’ve been having some fairly great weather here in the Northeast. This past weekend I was invited to both a birthday event at a certain midtown watering hole that deep-fries everything, including the beer, and a Mets/Mariners game. Take a wild guess which one I went to. When the temps edge up and the sun’s out, you couldn’t pay me to spend even a few minutes indoors at some random dank pub. No way, no how. If that’s your jam, there should be a support group started for you. In fact, there already are some organizations out there that can help you. Not surprisingly there’s help out there for just about everyone and everything. As a public service, here are some sports-related groups you can reach out to if you’re suffering from any of these afflictions.
MADY. Mothers Against Damn Yankees is a wonderful non-profit dedicated to keeping kids from growing up into obnoxious, “Got Rings?” t-shirt-wearing, Bud Light-drinking dolts. They’re focused on catching this “disease” in its infancy by educating children that most of their Yankee Fan Dads are idiots, never to be listened to. They’ve saved scores of children from lives ruined by Sterling and Waldman, Aaron Boone pressers, and the debilitating monotony of the PC Richards whistle.
Kirk du Soleil. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to take a moment to promote a little something that I helped start at the end of this past winter. Kirk du Soleil is for Vikings fans (like me) tortured by the continued presence of (the QB who shall not be named) in Minnesota. This immersive group experience is based on viewing everything said QB does as rightfully ridiculous performance art. Every first half checkdown and meaningless garbage-time touchdown are actually well-rehearsed bits by a purple jester extraordinaire at the very top of his game. Kirk du Soleil takes quite a bit of mental manipulation, and isn’t for everyone, but its devotees swear by it… rather than just plain swearing.
Lenny Craig. This small group of throwback Mets fans meets once a month to discuss Lenny Randle, Craig Swan, Rheingold Beer, Lindsey Nelson sport jackets, and all manner of New York Mets nostalgia. A fight broke out last month when one group member foolishly suggested that today’s Citi Field concessions are superior to what Harry M. Stevens used to offer at Shea. That member is resting comfortably in the hospital while his club standing is being reviewed.
DAL-Anon. If you’re dealing with the harsh daily realities of a family member who’s a Dallas Cowboys fan, DAL-Anon can help. With chapters covering all 50 states, Canada, Mexico and the U.S. Virgin Islands, this group offers support to those living with complete a$$holes.
James Dolan Fan Club. (Domain currently available. Cheap.)
Mex Addicts Anonymous. Can’t get enough of Keith Hernandez? Apoplectic when you turn on a Mets broadcast and HE’S not in the booth? There are people who can help you.
American Association of Rugby People. If you’re constantly telling your friends and family how great rugby is and how it’s on the verge of breaking through big in America and, especially, if you’ve ever seen a rugby broadcast with Matt McCarthy doing play-by-play, you’re not alone. To be clear… you’re almost alone, but not quite completely alone. Contact AARP for support, coping exercises, and deep discounts on tickets to upcoming games.
Hope this helps those who need it. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, Spanish Harlem Chapter Chair of Knicks Lottery Mental Health Crisis.