MOSCOW – The alleged Russian made missile, which landed in eastern Poland, resulted in two deaths and led to the following statement from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, “We need to put the terrorist in its place.”
The terrorist he was referring to is the President of Russia, Vladimir Putin. But before that happens the United States of America needs to fix a decade long problem involving Putin. They need to bring back the Super Bowl XXXIX ring that he heisted. Can you translate XXXIX?
To refresh everyone’s memory, it was back in 2005 when New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, along with then CitiGroup President Sandy Weill and media executive Rupert Murdoch, met with Putin to maintain a sort of trust with the United States. Weill suggested to Kraft to let Putin try on his ring. Putin was so impressed with the blinging diamonds on his finger that he blurted out, “I can kill someone with this ring,” Kraft responded, “You can kill someone without it. You were the head of the KGB.”
Kraft then stuck his hand out to retrieve his ring, and Putin coolly put it in his own pocket. Three KGB henchmen surrounded Putin and walked him out of the room, along with the ring in Putin’s pocket.
Word got around the news outlets and the White House about the slick theft. They weren’t happy with the accusations, as the policy of “protecting the criminal” was being practiced. Former President George Bush’s administration called Kraft and pleaded with him to say the ring was a gift to the Russian President. Kraft grudgingly obliged. But the time has come to bring the ring back to the whore monger who owns the Pats.
The U.S. needs to do whatever it can to pry that ring back from that prick. Even if they have to go the Bush (no pun intended) route, by pleading with Putin to do the right thing.
With the Ukraine Presidents recent comments, there is no room for stalling here. Before they negotiate for Brittney Griner’s return, the top priority should be to bring back that piece of jewelry. America must act immediately and bring Kraft… wait for it… a happy ending. (Pun intended).