DENVER, CO – As a long-time, derelict, degenerate contributor to this here repository of renal failure, I do hereby shun the rest of my compatriots for their failed attempt at journalism last week. A man, no… not just a man – a great man – ate a ludicrous amount of hot dogs on the anniversary of our country’s founding and nobody here mentioned it! Joey Chestnut is simply old hat?! Not interesting?! THE MAN ATE 62 HOT DOGS in TEN MINUTES! He won his 16th Mustard Belt! Yet, his feat is not newsworthy enough for this site!
Would my fellow writers here be so flippant and cavalier about Danny Dimes winning his 16th Super Bowl? Would Spike Lee not show up for the Knicks 16th title? Would the fat guy who sells you cheese on Arthur Avenue not show up for the Yankees next ring? The answer to all these questions is no! So let’s put some respect on the man’s name.
Joey Chestnut is the greatest American born athlete of the last twenty years. Tiger Woods has fewer majors. The Oakland A’s have fewer fans. The Mets have fewer playoff appearances. Yet somehow, I don’t think Joey has ever been invited to the White House. He’s never been on the cover of Sports Illustrated. It’s a media travesty. I blame Big Baked Beans.
For most, the competitive eating scene is a one day myopia restricted to hot dogs. Did you know that Joey drank a gallon of milk in 41 seconds?Did you know he has set world records for chicken wings in 30 minutes? He’s also manhandled mac-n-cheese, shrimp wontons, corned beef sandwiches, bratwursts, apple pies, brain tacos – yes brain tacos – red beans & rice, and a whole host of other delicacies! Why don’t you know this?!
All I hear on ESPN, social media, and Barstool conversation is that Ohtani is better than Ruth. Ohtani is having the greatest season of all time. Then I see comparisons like, “Ohtani’s stats are the equivalent of Patrick Mahomes throwing six touchdowns then making two sacks in a game with a turnover.
If playing offense and defense is impressive then why is’t Chestnut celebrated for winning in such varied disciplines? A corned beef sandwich is nothing like a hot dog.
Now that that is off my chest. Please don’t eat your words… put them in the comments below.
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.