LAS VEGA, NV – Thanks to a Microsoft outage, the juicy details from this week’s MLB General Managers Meetings were trapped in cyberspace until last night. Apparently, the same technology that keeps your printer from working also prevented baseball’s most powerful executives from embarrassing themselves in public.
Until now.
METS: STEARNS FINALLY FINDS THE PROBLEM
Mets President of Baseball Operations David Stearns reportedly spent three hours explaining why the Mets’ problems were everybody else’s fault. When another GM suggested acquiring better players, Stearns immediately called security.
He then unveiled his revolutionary offseason strategy: trading anyone with a batting average over .250 for six prospects who won’t be ready until 2032. The trading them for an injury-plagued guy that hit 27 dingers three years ago.
When asked about winning next season, Stearns replied, “Winning would fun!”
YANKEES: CASHMAN DISCOVERS A NEW STATISTIC
Yankees GM Brian Cashman and his ANALytics staff introduced a groundbreaking analytical measurement called EPI — Expected Playoff Injuries. The formula predicts how many Yankees will pull hamstrings between September and October. Aaron Judge is a close 2nd to Giancarlo Stanton as team leader in this category, but hopes to take the lead. “I’ve still got plenty to pull,” Judge offered.
Cashman also proposed replacing the team’s medical staff with a local urgent care franchise, offering naming rights to the training room. Meanwhile, Yankees executives reportedly spent two hours debating whether Aaron Judge could play all nine positions simultaneously.
DODGERS: MONEY IS NO OBJECT
The Dodgers arrived with a modest offseason budget of $900 million, three private jets and a suitcase containing the deed to Dodger Stadium.
Their opening proposal was to purchase the entire Pittsburgh Pirates organization and use it as a Triple-A affiliate. When informed this wasn’t allowed, Dodgers executives asked whether they could simply buy Pittsburgh. The Pirates reportedly requested cash, prospects and a functioning bullpen.
BREWERS: PAT MURPHY MAKES EVERYBODY LOOK STUPID
Milwaukee manager Pat Murphy wandered into the meetings, looked at everyone’s payroll projections and burst out laughing.
“You’re spending HOW MUCH?”
Murphy then demonstrated how to build a competitive roster using $47, a coupon for bratwurst and three guys nobody’s ever heard of. Stearns reportedly left the room.
THE BIGGEST REVELATION
The most explosive discovery came when Microsoft finally restored the missing meeting transcripts. One anonymous GM had accidentally typed his entire offseason strategy into the wrong document. It read: “Overpay aging veterans, blame injuries, promise improvement, repeat.”
Investigators couldn’t identify the author.
All 30 GMs submitted identical plans.
And somewhere in Redmond, Washington, a Microsoft technician reportedly whispered, “Maybe we should’ve left the system down.”
That’s it for me, feel free to opine below.
