SALEM, MA – Like 17th Century Salem, Major League Baseball, led by caped Crusader Bud Selig, is leading the charge against the scourge of Performance Enhancing Drugs. Bud has vowed to eradicate PEDS from the game come hell or high water. The only problem is that such efforts should have taken place 20 years ago when Jeff Bagwell and Matt Williams roamed the Earth like Triceratops and Stegosaurus respectively, and guys like Albert Belle ate children and Pontiac Bonnevilles for breakfast. Speaking of Pontiacs, Belle once ran down a bunch of kids with his car who dared to knock on his door trick or treating one Halloween. Roid Rage was not mentioned in the police report but that cop will never call him “Joey” again. And we can all safely assume that Tino Martinez is suffering from a delayed roid rage reaction that had him strangling a bunch of Marlins.
Fast forwarding to 2013, the MLB fan is entirely sick of all of the steroid talk and no witch hunt is going to impress fans who just want to move forward from the ridiculous era when Brady Anderson hit 50 Home Runs, and Todd “Friggin” Hundley set the record for homers by a catcher in a season.
We’re fried, and dragging the same old names through another protracted circus where everyone denies everything and lies through their enhanced teeth only turns today’s fans off. No one gives a crap anymore. The world knows ARod has been juicing since his High School days in Miami. He’s 53 years old now with enormous breasts and it’s just time to move on! Bud should instead turn his crusading to ridding the earth of the Wilpons and the Jeffrey Loria/David Sampson tag team down in Miami. They are the scourge of the sport now, and Bud’s blind loyalty to a couple of common criminals will be his legacy-he’s just too stupid to understand this.
All of this nonsense only detracts from the game itself and the excitement generated this time of year by the Trade Deadline! July 31st is the magical date now, when teams are either buyers, sellers, or the Mets. While teams with plans either sell (Cubs, White Sox) or buy (Braves, Orioles) the Mets do nothing. Ever. Sandy Alderson – the real one; not classic Fake or Famous Fake Sandy – sits on his hands every year at this time. More interested in studying to become a sommelier, Sandy cannot decide whether to buy, sell, hold, or act indifferently-his specialty. Sandy and his grave-digging actuaries DePo and JP sit and wait for the phone to ring with overwhelming offers for crap. Sandy sits aloof and unimpressed as though he’s sitting on a successful franchise and will only make moves that he can “win.” The arrogance to sit and wait for something or someone to come to him is off the charts.
While other GMs act aggressively and creatively in trying to improve their teams, Sandy has no sense of urgency… whatsoever. Sure, Jeffy has capped the number of outbound phone calls Sandy is allowed to make, but he could call collect. Like back in college when I needed to tell my folks that I had made it safely to Western New York, and it still cost 6 dollars for a 2 minute call back to Queens, Sandy could call say, Brian Sabean or John Mozeliak and let them know “The eagle has landed.”
Unrelated… I watched an Indy Film called Dealin’ with Idiots, a documentary style comedy starring, written and directed by Jeff Garlin, better known as Jeff Green from Curb Your Enthusiasm. It takes a look at the moron Little League parents whose boorish behavior towards children is off the charts. Lots of folks from Curb. Worth a watch.
Tune in for our Batman, Angry Ward, tomorrow.
