NEW YORK, NY – Toward the end of Thursday night’s charity event called The Captain’s Knock (where international rugby legends come together for the purpose of raising money for charity), we turned our cell phones back on at approximately 11:42 pm. Much to our chagrin, we received the following text from MTM’s Charlie Sheen-type party guy, Cam James, whose drug-trip diatribe made the airwaves late Thursday morning:
“Matt[s] I tried to reach you. I don’t have a computer… my computer has a virus… I found this out late today. I tried to do it with Dragon Dictation on my phone.”
We immediately shot him a text back about our being at a charity dinner. We heard nothing else. So, after getting home around 12:25 am after a long day that started at 6 am, we went to bed… hoping. We figured that Cam would surely figure out some other way to write his column – his first in two weeks, especially after waiting until 7:08 pm the night before it was due (we later saw he called at that time) to call us after coming down with a virus from untoward relations with Puff Dragon. 
Suffice to say, he did not. So, at 6:23 am Thursday morning we found ourselves sitting at the MTM Editorial Desk, trying to come up with an emergency column. This is about as welcome as:
A) Going to a bad dentist for root canal.
B) Listening to Sam’s-A-Fan gripe about the lack of content from “The Matts” – he still thinks Tall Matt does something and is still waiting for Chuck from Happy Days to come home from college.
C) Having a new voice-mail to listen to from a fed-up Angry Ward. (Clearly the worst on the list).
And that’s when it hit us… Cam James, who was allegedly at Time Warp Tony’s Flapper Party with some moll, by using his dragonitis/syphilis excuse, had just joined the ranks of Greatest Sports Excuses… and here are 8 others, one for each day of the week:
Roger Clemens: “Andy must have misremembered.”
Roger Clemens: After throwing a broken bat – a spear-like weapon – at Mike Piazza – Roid Rage Roger said he thought it was a baseball.
Elvis Andrus: This is as recent as Cam’s Cop-Out. The King asked out of the Texas lineup this week because of his new tattoo. There was no TCB (Takin’ Care of Business) for the Texas shortstop after getting his dad engraved on his arm. So, he gets ink for the ink here.
Guillermo Mota: After getting his 2nd MLB ban, this one a 100-game suspension for testing positive, the S.F. reliever said it was because of children’s cough medicine. Now that’s a valid excuse – if you have kids.
Richard Gasquet: Who? Yeah, we know. But this is an emergency situation. Dick Gasket is a tennis player. He was banned from tennis for cocaine. His excuse? He tested positive after making out with a girl in a nightclub that had done some yayo. Click here for a list of cocaine slang words. Baseball makes the list! How ironic is that?!
Brian Cushing: What caused this Jersey Boy to test positive? “Over-Trained Athlete Syndrome.“ Never mind that he’s an NFL linebacker and that 90% NFL players do some kind of performance enhancing drug… allegedly. 😉
New York Knicks: The lost a game by 20 points to the Thunder and blamed it on… ghosts. Yes, ghost. Nick Erbocker and Dude will remember this scary quote from Eddie Curry, who claimed to sleep only two hours the night before:
“They said it happened on the 10th floor, and I’m the only one staying on the 10th floor. That’s why I spent most of my time in [Nate Robinson’s] room. I definitely believe there are ghosts in that hotel.”
Jeff Kent: The man the Mets traded for Carlos Baerga, whose head is nearly as big as Mr. Met’s – literally – said he broke his wrist washing his car. Unfortunately, he was seen crashing after doing wheelies on his motor cycle. That violated his contract. But he made this list!
“I want to cover a few things the first of those things is the NHL take you to New York Rangers give me a aneurysm every time I watch they just suck where is the foil I mean literally Ryan Callahan is Superman and the rest of the clowns like Hagelin why is Hagelin wearing his visor that way but he has a visor it does one wear it but he has one what the fudge wise even have a visor track of where the visor being aware of visor what’s the frogging point.”
There you have it… Cheesy Bruin returns tomorrow – unless a boulder falls on her bait and tackle.
