BRONX, NY – Last week infamous ISIL hatchet hood Jihad John (I’d like to market a line of Port-o-Potties under this name) was unmasked as a former snot-nosed London schoolboy with some serious pent up behavioral issues. Was this really such a surprise? I mean, the guy is the terrorist equivalent of that kid in Junior High who wouldn’t hit you unless a friend of his was holding your arms behind your back. But perhaps the bigger story was that there was a picture of him wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball cap. This so outraged Bucs ownership that they had to make a statement denouncing the image as “sickening.” The fact is, the guy is probably not a Pirates fan… I mean, who is? But it raises an interesting question, sports fans: Who is your team’s absolute worst famous fan. Steel yourselves, this could get ugly.
Dallas Cowboys. When you talk awful fans, you need to start with the Cowboys or Raiders. And because famous people are too afraid to attend Raiders games, we need to stick with Big D. Now with Dallas, as with so many pro sports teams, it would be easy to pick the scumbag owner as that team’s worst fan, so we need to rule ownership out. Nah, for the cowpokes, we’ll go with a two-way tie in this race with blubbery 2014 poster boy Chris Christie and… wait for it… angelic Montreal Canadiens defenceman P.K. Subban. That’s right, Cheesy Bruin and Grinding Ax Walter, P.K. Subban is a HUGE Cowboys fan. Take all the time you need to digest that bitter little McNugget.
New York Knicks. Gotta go with the obvious choice on this one, Spike Lee. C’mon Knicks fans, you can’t actually like the little limelight-lovin’, Nike-sellin’, Swifty Lazar-glasses-wearin’ director from Brooklyn, can you? His antics make Jack Nicholson’s look almost demure. Honorable Mention: Woody Allen (at some point you can’t ignore the personal life) and Calvin Klein (is he even allowed in the Garden anymore?).
Philadelphia Flyers, 76ers, Phillies, and Eagles. The clear choice here is, Everyone. It’s really impossible to start singling out horrid Philadelphia fans, famous or not. Actually, Philly fans are so reprehensible across the board that they are actually famous for it. Congratulations, Philadelphia! You racist, Santa-hating, cheese steak repository, vomit dispensers really know how to make a name for yourselves.
Los Angeles Dodgers. There are a lot of choice here as well, as there’s never a shortage of come late/leave early Hollywood poseurs making the (brief) scene at Chavez Ravine. But this one really has to go to fictional fan, Police Chief Jerry Karlin (as capably played by Joe Don Baker [aka The Whammer“]) in the motion picture Fletch. I mean the guy was a murderous, drug-running police chief fer cryin’ out loud. And let’s not forget that picture of him and Tommy Lasorda.
New York Mets. The winner is, Bernie Madoff! Was there ever any doubt? The guy is one of our greatest living monsters and a bosom buddy to the Wilpons. If he wasn’t convicted of massive fraud, he would have eventually ended up behind bars just for being seen with Fred and Jeff.
New York Yankees. I saved the best for last. Let’s for a moment discount the fact that 50% of the two-bit thugs arrested in New York, and the country as a whole, are usually sporting Yankees caps. These guys are small potatoes. We need to focus on the big stupid ham hock Yankee fans. How many contenders are there for worst famous Yankees fan? Billy Crystal isn’t even part of the conversation. In the end, just like with the Cowboys, it comes down to two guys: Rudy Giuliani and Bill O’Reilly. How would you like to be sitting behind the dugout in the middle of that conservative comb-over sandwich? When either of these guys is at a game you can see the stink lines from space. And, mark my words, Giuliani will one day have a plaque in Monument Park. Hey, here’s a fun clip of O’Reilly and the Donald at The House Greed Built. Is that the Wave? Ha!
OK, I feel thoroughly filthy now. Gotta shower up. Come back tomorrow for Grinding Ax Walter Hynes, a Cowboys fan just like P.K. Subban.
