Angry Ward Wednesday: I Could Use a Vacation from Brodie, Harden, Beckham and Sports in General

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BRONX, NY – It’s been more quiet than usual around here lately. I mean, even me, Whitney, and Dude aren’t showing up regularly to chime in with our standard gems and witty repartee. It’s summer, and it’s understandable. Everybody needs a vacation, even from the most pleasant and stimulating pursuits, but especially from sports. I could use a respite from a few things myself.

Worrying About Brodie. Try to stick with me here, but the Mets really need to play well enough over the next few weeks to keep Brodie Van Wagenen from becoming a seller at the trade deadline. This is not to say that the Mets shouldn’t be sellers but, like many Mets fans, I don’t trust the BVW won’t be taken to the cleaners by even the dimmest GMs. Doing nothing and finishing just out of the playoffs is better than trading Syndergaard for Albert Pujols, Mike Trout’s cousin, and 3 minor leaguers who never pan out.

Odell_Beckham, Bill De Blasio, James_Harden, Angry_Ward, Meet_The_Matts, Ward_Calhoun

James Harden. For starters, take a f**king shave. You’ve got a new move that might look like a travel but isn’t a travel? You already got a ton of moves that look like fouls and ARE fouls! Have fun playing “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” with your new/old pal Westbrook.

The NFL Hype Cycle. Despite my better judgement about the horrible men who profit from it, I still like watching pro football. What I can do without, however, is the constant bombardment of NFL news, predictions, and other assorted fantasy garbage that leads up to the first week of real games. We are in peak season for literally everyone being an NFL expert. I won’t watch Hard Knocks, I’ll mostly avoid watching anything more than a few minutes of preseason “games,” and I’ll definitely not be partaking in any of the nonsense spoken by the Matthew Berrys of the world. Just let me know which stars get crippled in some freak fashion and wake me on Week 1.

De Blasio. I really need a vacation from all politicians, but de Bla-Z-boy is particularly inept.

Athletes Feeling Disrespected. Odell Beckham Jr. was the latest multimillionaire to whine about being disrespected. I’m sorry, but if someone isn’t constantly treating you beneath the level of respect that you feel you probably deserve, then you, my friend, are not living a full life. Have a little dignity and try not to cry about it. Looking at humans as a whole, I’m really not sure we deserve anything other than disdain and ridicule. You think because you can hit home runs or catch a football you should be held in higher esteem? Pffft. Get bent.

You know what? I feel better already. This might turn out to be the most restful, and affordable, summer vacation ever!

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has great respect for James Dolan.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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