ALERT: BASEBALL IS A DRUG WITH YOUNG FANS nephew, Sean Pericles McCarthy, turned 12 just after Christmas. He is an avid sports fan with severe Met-itis, which was ensured by his MTM bloodlines.

    Sean checks in with MTM HQ via earwig.

MONTCLAIR, NJ – All seemed perfectly normal in this upscale suburban town just west of Giants Stadium. Kids galore racing to their various after-school activities, moms and dads going about their daily routines… But then, as sudden as a Congressman Massa revelation, all was turned topsy-turvy by a seemingly innocent school assignment: Create your own own country with a history and some famous people. What young Sean Pericles McCarthy submitted was both startling and eye-popping in its magnitude and stands to shake the very foundation of society as we know it with this earth-shattering implication:

Here is an excerpt of Sean’s revealing work, picking up with his second of three contrived famous people (photo shows a younger Sean displaying early stages of Met-itis):

    The second famous person is Matt [from MTM]. Matt was one of the most talented baseball players and one of the most generous donors to ever walk the shores of Seansylvainia. Matt is [Seansylvanian] President Sean Perry McCarthy’s brother. As kids, they say they used to play baseball on the farm. They say they used turtles as bases. It helped that turtles were so slow because they didn’t have to keep realigning them. Just about at the age that Sean chose Science over Baseball, Matt chose Baseball over Science. He [Matt] was drafted to play pro baseball when he only eighteen. Soon he became all the rage in baseball, on and off the field. On the field he was a star right fielder and off the field he donated over half of his salary to charities that help poor families with too many kids put food on the table. In 1988 he was inducted into the Seansylvainian Baseball Hall of Fame.

There it is, Mattville; A simple homework assignment with one tragic revelation: That despite the efforts of Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Scott Boras and Kate Hudson, Baseball Is A Drug With Young Fans. God help us.

    Mr. Met pushes Baseball Addiction on a young, naive Sean. Disgusting. Who’s to blame!?

Here are two more afflicted young people; if only we had not been so blind!

Rex O’Rourke, tomorrow.

    Perhaps, like in the Jimmy Buffet song, we are to blame.

NOTE: Younger fans will be reading today. Please act accordingly. THANKS.

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