Las Vegas, NV – Desperate for ratings, or more likely to lessen Short Matt’s workload, I have been persuaded to take over MeetTheMatts Tuesday column. Ah, Tuesday. Quite possibly the worst day of the week, especially since Angry Ward made over Wednesdays turning them into the new Saturday night. We can all agree that Tuesdays generally suck. But in the land of sports Tuesdays used to be something special.
From 1982 until 1998 Al Albert and Sean O’Grady hosted USA’s Tuesday Night Fights on USA Network. Don’t get me wrong most of these fights were not very good, lots of young hopefuls fighting tomato cans to pad their records. Sometimes though magic would happen, most notably the return of George Foreman. Foreman’s fights began as venerable sideshows but soon turned into must see TV. After winning 24 consecutive bouts in less than 4 years, many on USA Tuesday Night Fights, he earned another shot at the Heavyweight title. Not to be outdone, Larry Holmes began fighting on Tuesdays and then all hell began to break loose.
So, in the spirit of Tuesday Night Fights I give you a couple of notable fights that I’m enjoying these days.
The Lindsay Lawsuits: As Cookie pointed out in her column on Friday Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade for $10 million for using a baby Milkaholic named Lindsay. To quote Don King, “Only in America”. Though I’m not sure if this publicity is going to help her in her other big lawsuit. This one is a class action lawsuit against her filed by 18 young ladies named Lindsay who claim that they are constantly being made fun of as lipstick-lesbian, drug-addicted, alcoholic whores by their peers. I for one think they have a hell of a case.
PETA vs. Furry Mammals: Peta has been a pain in everyone’s rear for decades and just when we thought they’ve made their cause known about everything they come up with a doozie. Seems they are demanding that next February 2nd, a robotic groundhog replace Punxsutawney Phil. It’s not like people eat groundhogs on Groundhog Day, at least not above the Mason-Dixon line. What is wrong with Phil looking for his own shadow? It seems that most PETA members have replaced men in the bedroom with their own electronic devices and find that experience quite satisfying so they figure people might come to appreciate a battery run groundhog too.
Ben Roethlisberger vs. A Keg of Beer: Ben has had a rough go of it recently. When you are in college, or maybe just out of college and you’ve polished off a couple of pitchers of beer it might sound like fun to have sex in a bathroom with a girl you just met. Let’s just say once you’ve turned 28 and already have quarterbacked your team to two Super Bowl victories you should strive to do better. Not our Ben. He’ll find some underage broad (who probably just got off work from the Waffle House) in a bar and have his way with her whether she likes it or not. Come to think of it he should just marry Lindsay Lohan and be done with it.
In this corner weighing 265 lbs. the champion…
Fargo Dikes vs. Red River: Pretty sure the Fargo Dikes of the WNBA were victorious this weekend in their tussle with this gritty Red River bunch. I expect Red River will rise again in an anticipated rematch next season. Oh wait, Fargo doesn’t have a WNBA team? I guess the headline “Fargo Dikes Hold Off Red River” was just a news article about North Dakota flood waters. Never mind.
I’m certain there are some other fights our MTM’s fans are following, so please be sure to let us know about them. Angry Ward, tomorrow.