Angry Ward Wednesday: Joba Rules 2.0

Mess-tache

Don’t ever shush me.” – JOBA RULES 2.0

JOBA RULES 2.0 Meet_The_Matts
Best pals. Yeah, right.

NEW YORK, NY – In case you missed it, this past Saturday assclown extraordinaire Joba Chamberlain took his game to a new level when he publicly called out teammate and superhuman closer Mariano Rivera after Mo politely asked Joba to lower his voice. Rivera, who had privately met with some unfortunate families prior to the game in Kansas City, was talking to a group of reporters about the emotional exchanges with these families as Joba was loudly yammering to a herd of his hayseed family who were grazing in the stands. After Rivera asked Chamberlain to keep it down, Joba loudly shot back, “Don’t ever shush me.” He then repeated that sentiment, adding that he was serious. The “New” New York Yankees handled this incident by tweeting out a buddy-buddy photo of Rivera and Chamberlain a day later. Sorry, not good enough. In fact, it’s clearly time for some new Joba Rules.

Joba Rule 1. Don’t ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever talk to Mariano Rivera again. The guy is a legend with 623 career saves, including 15 this year. You are a 250+ pound waste of space with 5 career saves and are currently nursing an oblique you most like strained trying to polish off a side of beef.

Joba Rule 2. No more mustaches. We didn’t think it possible for you to look any dumber than you do, but you proved us wrong when you grew that sad excuse for a soup strainer. It looked like someone put Dick Tidrow’s head in a microwave for around 10 minutes.

Joba Rule 3. Enough with the Hillbilly Maple Syrup cologne already. The Midge population in and around Lake Erie hasn’t been the same since you lured thousands of them to their untimely deaths in Cleveland a few years back. When your grooming habits are affecting entire ecosystems, it’s time to change said habits.

Joba Rule 4. Trampolines and Crown Royal are strictly off limits.

Mess-tache
Mess-tache

Joba Rule 5. Stop bugging Rex Ryan about wanting to be his starting quarterback next year. It’s not happening. At least, not yet.

Joba Rule 6. Always save Dancing Queen for the second encore. Wait… that’s actually an Abba Rule.

Joba Rule 7. Each night before you go to bed, get on your knees and thank God that George Steinbrenner is no longer among the living. Had he been, you would have been out of pinstripes faster than Mickey Rivers trying to beat out a drag bunt. Do you honestly think Big Stein would have tolerated your mouthing off to Rivera like that? Even at age 43, Mo is still the most valuable player on your team and he does it all without chest thumping, screaming, or pointing towards the heavens. Instead of lashing out at the guy, try emulating him.

Read these rules carefully. Learn them. Know them. Class dismissed.

Speaking of class, come back tomorrow for Cam James. After last week’s groundbreaking effort (which was banned by the MTM KGB), who knows what he’ll be serving up.

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About Angry Ward 625 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.