Tim McCarver Spews Poop; Moribund Mets Win The Damn Thing

John Buck Rogers Meet_The_Matts

NEW YORK, NY – As Tim McCarver spews poop, my Moribund Mets Win the Damn Thing, 5-4!!! A special Thanks to Kirk Gibson for inexplicably walking John Buck (3 times!) last night and putting a bat in the hands of… well, anyone OTHER than John Buck.

Roland Office Meet_The_Matts
Bad day at the Office?

The surprising and welcome success of Josh Satin as Ike Davis’ replacement has drawn modest praise and admiration from fans. Of course, there’s also been the expected backlash from many of the team’s more highbrow followers over what they perceived as a slight after Davis was browbeaten by fans until being sent to AAA in favor of Satin.  Accordingly, my initial thought was to create a list of the more “unattractive” current and former Major Leaguers that would have included the likes of Don Mossi, Willie McGee, and Rowland Office (my personal choice), but these lists have been done before, and this is not Bleacher Report. Emptying the chamber is often a great idea in a number of ways and for most situations.  So here we go…

When did Davey Johnson become Lou Brown from Major League? When Davey ran the Mets he came across as a new age-y bright, thoughtful and refreshing field general who used computers ahead of his time who inspired confidence. Now, He’s just a crotchety, curmudgeonly stereotype of a grizzled career baseball man beaten down from decades of beating the bushes. Only now he’s about 110 pounds and miserable.

When did Ron Darling become Thornton Melon? I love Ronnie, but wow…too many Keith Burgers eaten while reading his beloved Harry Potter. The man started out slim but has ballooned up nicely.

When did Gary Cohen’s full on sycophant routine with Keith get so out of hand? He’s always looked at Keith in much the same way Joe Buck swivels his head and makes googly eyes at Tim McCarver at the beginning of every painful game together. But Gary’s fake laugh in which he cackles at Keith’s innocuous comments about the drive in from Sag Harbor is just embarrassing. Gary, you’re a grown man. Stop the guffaw where the situation calls for a snicker.

don-mossi-662And speaking of McCarver, he did create a bit of a stir among the Twiteratti Universe of Met fans last weekend by mocking not just the sparse crowds at CitiField, but commenting that “whatever number of dwindling Met fans are left out there.”  Yes, this was a shot at the Wilpons but it came out as a bitter shot from a guy who took himself way too seriously for a while.  Tim tells some great stories from baseball’s history of characters and I’ll always have a place in my heart for how he rejuvenated Ralph Kiner’s career when Ralph would show up fighting the boredom of working with Steve Zabriskie, Steve Albert, and Gary Thorne. Ralph is truly a treasure to be worshiped by Met fans. But McCarver’s comments about dwindling fans is way off base, particularly from a guy who knows better. He knows that during fleeting eras of consistent Mets winners the Blue & Orange OWNED this town. That’s a dirty little secret completely unknown to people who live upstate (above the Bronx) down South (below Staten Island) or out West (beyond Teaneck) New York has always been a National League town.

When did Terry Collins become a shrinking violet? I get that being a Manager in a fake Moneyball system run by Sandy or Billy has among its many pretentious beliefs; that the manager is of almost no consequence and is to be seen done doing team laundry and not actually running the team.  But Terry has become so emasculated that he simply doesn’t resemble the fiery and hated manager of the ‘Stros and Angels that wore out his welcome quickly in those outposts. And this is why he became the choice by Sandy to fake run the on field team. It would be Terry’s last chance to fake manage a team and he would repay Sandy’s fake faith in him by sucking it up, subverting his instincts and talking to the media night after night about why Zach Lutz was the obvious choice to hit with the game on the line.

MoneyBall ArtHowe Meet_The_MattsIf you read or saw Moneyball you know that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was dead-on in portraying the room-illuminating Art Howe and that Brad Pitt was absurd and hilarious as Billy Beane.  The Manager is irrelevant to the pretentious, stat-loving douche bags with zero social skills. They’ve likely never picked up a bat, yet lord over teams like so many 14-year-old fantasy baseball owners.  Moneyball however, has many flawed “ideas”  and here is a big one: It completely ignores the dynamic and the “give and take” between manager and player that develops and nurtures players over years. The Mets are well aware of Collins’ lack of any power whatsoever and a lack of discipline and “fundies” is on display every night.

When did Leslie Mann become the same character-tortured and unfulfilled, in every one of her husband’s movies?

Leslie MannWhen did we stop playing an endless loop of Suzyn Waldman screeching that Rajah was in the building?

When did Joe Girardi ascend to the ranks of “great manager?” This year is his first running a team without All-Stars at every position, and he’s cajoled them to… .500?

When did CC drop all pretense about being an athlete and just start consuming everything in his path?

When did Phil Hughes become Steve Trachsel?

When did the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim become the Sacramento Kings? Pujols, Hamilton…where are those guys? Other than far from the discussion of the game’s best players these days.

And finally, when did June & July turn into the rainy months? Holy crap! Enough with the friggin’ rain already!

Happy Birthday to Grady Fuson. Angry Ward, tomorrow.



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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of Metsblog.com blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake