NEW YORK, NY – If you knew anything about my relationship with my childhood friend, Angry Ward, you’d realize that with the alcohol tolerance that guy has, it CAN’T be built just on boozin.’ See, this Cookie has a salty side. And the start of this dank, dark season has me grumpy. So, here are my Five Reasons To Hate The Fall for Sports Fans:
5) Pumpkin Pukefest: While you might think of pumpkins in terms of Pamela Anderson’s gourds bouncing through 26.2 miles of the NYC Marathon, I’m talking about the orange kind. And not even the REAL kind. I’m talking about all the fake, pumpkin-flavored CRAP that bombards us this season. Trust me, I LOVE pumpkin, but it’s a bit of an overload.
4) Mid Season Football: My Broncos (7-1 coming off a bye week.. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE) have been doing great and we’ll see how they fare against Grote2DMax’s San Diego Chargers on Sunday, so you’d think I was happy. Kinda… but what I’m getting at is the trash talk. The trash talk has simmered down by mid season. We’re left to accept that Cheatin’ Tom Brady and the Pats will be contenders again this year (to make it far and then choke.. we hope), we’re trying not to get TOO excited about a team like the Kansas City Chiefs with a 9-0 record (as we will likely get disappointed with their post-season choke), and an as usual crappy team like the Dallas Cowboys sit atop the NFC East with a record that’s BARELY above .500. Ho hum. These are the days when everyone simmers down and holds their breath. It’s boring.. the GAMES can be exciting.. but otherwise… boring.
3) Daylight Savings Time: As long as I’ve been around, I’ve never thought this was a good idea. In addition to the annoyance of having to change clocks that are long since without instructional manuals; coffee maker, oven, microwave (Guys – ask your women about these things. They’re in a place called the kitchen), I HATE that it gets so dark so early. Do I need to feel like I’m ready to go to bed at 4:30?!?!? Fl*ck no. I’m no newlywed and Short Matt wants his column by 5P… so this DARK- at-4PM thing doesn’t do a GOD DAMN thing for me.
2) Baseball Off Season Deals: They drag on. This Robinson Cano circus and everyone’s two cents on it is making me nauseous and I don’t need to hear it about Derek Jeter getting a one-year deal at $12Million – to basically play his last game at some point next season… when he’s not injured. I’d like A-Rod hang and I can’t wait for Phil Hughes to get dealt. Oh, and apparently the Boston Red Sox won the World Series in a pretty boring fashion – save the ‘controversial‘ ump calls and Big Papi’s bat. And I guess there was some parade in Boston, and at some point the Sox had/will have a beard-shaving party. Ho hum.
1) Basketball is back, Bikini Season is gone and, as always, there are not enough Baby Ruths in the Halloween haul.
And with that… I’m outta here. Come on back tomorrow for a happier column from… Cam James – if he’s a team player.