Things I’m Fake Grateful For: PED Users, Truly Offensive Coordinators, Troy Aikman Doing Giants Games

Thanks, Captain

I remember Bill Gallo in the Daily News used to insert his amazing “cartoons” into his columns, especially around the holidays.  They were always clever and topical and he used his skill for things like portraying George Steinbrenner as a crazy German “Boss” and to depict the great Thurman Munson looking down from heaven as all of New York mourned his early demise. With apologies to the Late Master, whose Things He’s Grateful For each Thanksgiving were always memorable, I’ve complied a list of my own. SPOILER ALERT:  It is sometimes riddled with sarcasm, confusion and derision. With that,  I give you , along with a dangling of my participle, FSA’s inaugural Things I’m Fake Grateful For:


Real Sandy Alderson. He’s injected a level of enthusiasm and energy into a previously downtrodden and moribund franchise. This in addition to his usual professionalism in re-making the complexion of the New York Mets.  Sandy promised a “new day” for Met fans and promised he’d spend more money this offseason than last… and he has delivered as promised! When the Mets can give 600 At Bats to Chris Young, that’s a new day! When Ruben Tejada opens the season in 2014 as the starting SS, and when Lucas Duda is our big Slugger, well…our prayers have been answered. Thank you Real Sandy.

Terrell Thomas. Guaranteeing a victory over the hated Cowboys was a bold prediction and when T2 and the rest of his defensive mates answered the bell and stopped Tony Romo late in the 4th Quarter by getting to the QB and forcing a stop-that was a thing of beauty and kept the Giants’ improbable march to the playoffs alive! Thanks Terrell!

Raymond Felton. Yes, I know you thought I’d point out Carmelo’s unselfish all around game and his incredible leadership so far this season, but I just had to single out Ray Ray’s defense against some of the quickest point guards in the league. Always fleet afoot, Felton routinely schools the likes of Kyrie Irving, Chris Paul, and Tony Parker. Felton is a big reason why the Knicks are off to the fast start this season. Oh, and a Felton Fact: Raymond still lives with his mother…

David Wright. What a gamble Captain America took last winter. But oh boy, has it paid off! He knew and had faith in Real Sandy that a real team would be assembled around him. He knew that Sandy would be able to access the vast resources of the Wilpons and vindicate David’s loyalty no later than 2014 with a slew of All Star signings and trades. Thanks for keeping the faith, DW.

Derrick Rose. Tough break with that other knee there, buddy. Unfortunately, when you rushed back after 3 years from your previous surgery, you knew it was a risk. But you wouldn’t leave your teammates hanging in the playoffs, so you played every minute of every game and left it on the court for your guys.

gilKevin Gilbride. What can you say to a guy who week after week comes up with these incredible offensive game plans?  When the G Men get down inside the 20…you can put 7 on the board, thanks to the imagination shown by Gilbride. Never one to run the same play near the goal line six times in a row, he keeps Defenses off balance with his artistic designs of complicated schemes.  Thanks Kev! You’re a genius!

Alex Rodriguez. Every future ballplayer will one day owe a debt of gratitude to A-Rod. Always courageous, always principled, Alex is fighting not to clear his good name but to ensure that future PED Users aren’t persecuted the way he’s been. It’s still all about the kids for Alex, and he never tires of his selfless crusades against the bad guys known as Bud Selig and Brian Cashman. My suggestion is that we begin referring to A-Rod as T-Rod, as in “Mother TheresaRodriguez. His tireless work on behalf of the poor and under-represented will no doubt one day bring him sainthood. Indeed, his efforts have led to the rebirth of that plucky one-time Tiger SS…

untitledJhonny Peralta/John Mozeliak. Rightfully rewarded with 4 years and $53M after being dispassionately removed from the game last season, Jhonny found the home he’s always wanted with the NL Champion Cardinals.  Finally, someone understood the plight of the PED abuser and rewarded him with an enormous contract. GM John Mozeliak ended Jhonny’s pain and gave him 53 million reasons for hope! Thanks, Misspelled Jhonny!

Troy Aikman. Nothing is sweeter to the ears of a die-hard Giants fan, than the mellifluous tones of Troy Aikman providing color analysis while Big Blue loses to that snide, snotty and high-brow Cheesy Bruin’s Cowboys. Just a special treat for all of us last Sunday.   imagesCAVMQ9FQ

And finally, my thanks especially go to Jeff Wilpon. Someday soon I’m going to tell all the world about The Crying Game. And we’ll never look at Jeffy the same way again.

Angry Ward, whose dangling participle is legendary in grammarian circles, tomorrow.


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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake