Angry Ward Wednesday: So This is Christmas?

Angry Ward at The Conclave
So this is Christmas?

NEW YORK, NY – Those of you who know me know that I don’t need any extra incentive to get my Ebeneezer up. This year the week leading up to Christmas included a trip to the gastroenterologist, a funeral, and the usual assortment of school functions and shopping mosh pits that happen this time of year. Oh and, on top of everything else, my fantasy football team has shit the bed in explosive diarrhea fashion down the stretch. Let’s start with that first.


May the Schwartz Not Be with You. I’m not really one of those meanies who calls for someone to be fired around the holidays but the Detroit Lions really need to sh!tcan Jim Schwartz. The NFC North was the Lions’ division to lose a couple of weeks back and lose it they did… in spectacular fashion. The final straw was the overtime loss to the Giants last Sunday, a team Detroit should have beat by 30 points or so. The Lions also managed to lose a home game to the equally inept Buccaneers. The worst part of this epic collapse was that 1) Matthew Stafford was my starting fantasy QB and 2) I had taken to rooting for Detroit once the Vikings got eliminated. So, anyway, once Detroit fires Schwartz they need to bring someone in to teach Stafford how to throw. His mechanics are an abomination before God. He’s got more tics and hitches in his delivery than Mike Hargrove’s old at-bat routine. OK, I’m done talking about this.

Greatest Local Sports Personality Commercial Ever. Bill Simmons posted this commercial spot in a recent column at the behest of one of his readers (you see how I gave credit where credit was due, Mike Vaccaro?) and it is absolutely the god standard when it comes to a local product endorsed by a sports personality. Think of this as my Christmas present to you.

The Fall of the Romo Empire. It would be a shame if Tony Romo’s herniated disc keeps him out of the season finale vs. the Eagles. To deny the fans yet another chance to watch a classic Romo brainfart meltdown in a must-win moment is just a cryin’ shame.

Oh yes!
Oh yes!

Whoa, Ho, Ho, it’s Magic!┬áThis is perhaps the most important Christmas Day announcement yet. According to my brother Chris, today there will be a Magic Garden reunion Christmas special on PIX 11 in New York. This is more must-see TV than NBC ever had. God knows what Carole and Paula and Sherlock and the Chuckle Patch will be up to now that same-sex marriages and flower fornication are legal.

OK, that’s all for today. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good… um… day.

A Christmas present most mortals would love to unwrap, Lori Levine, tomorrow.

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About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.