Jeff Wilpon and Mets Thinking out of “Cocoon”

Jeffy the Badass
Brimley (l) Cronyn (c) and Alderson (r)
Brimley (l) Cronyn (c) and Alderson (r)

NEW YORK, NY – For months now, I have appreciated everyone indulging me as I ranted ad nauseum about the mismanagement, the pillaging, the sodomizing of the New York Mets by the individuals charged with operating this woebegone franchise.  Specifically, I’ve railed without mercy about the sheer incompetence of Mets GM Sandy Alderson. The criminality of the Wilpon-Katz Cabal. The meddling of the nominal COO,  bad boy Jeffy von Wilpon; whose newly-tatted torso has the chicks swooning at the Sid Jacobson JCC on Northern Blvd. Living dangerously and flirting with the idea of exclusion from Mount Ararat Cemetary, Jeffy recently burst into one of Sandy’s scouting meetings wearing a long sleeve shirt over a short sleeve collar-up Polo with two tone flecks, immediately evoking Bronson Pinchot from Beverly Hills Cop or Stewie Griffin from Family Guy.

Jeffy the Badass
Jeff Wilpon… The Bad-Ass

Jeffy means business these days… apparently. He had Sandy announced the latest “cuts” to the roster as Opening Day draws near.  All previous ranting on my part was of the garden variety off-season bitching and moaning type. But since the games will soon count, it is time now to take these schmoes to task and look at the utter stupidity and consequences of these cuts:

-Wilmer Flores: sent to Minors. Why? Well, he’s not really a shortstop. But neither is Ruben Tejada.  Flores can at least hit his weight, and while his range is very limited, it’s not as though Tejada is Ozzie Smith either. In fact, Ruben is that rare player who is well below average both offensively AND defensively.

OK Matt. We're going to the 'pen to try and get this Chinaman out.
OK Matt. We’re going to the ‘pen to try and get this Chinaman out.

-Jenrry Mejia: sent to minors (will be after Friday’s Montreal exhibition) Why? He’s 23. He throws 3 pitches for strikes, and at times is downright electric.  He was fantastic in half a dozen starts last season.  So why is he being banished to Vegas? No clue-other than Sandy thinks Dice-K is a better option. Based on what exactly is anyone’s guess.  Dice-K’s washed up, and hanging on, but then again-so is Sandy. The Youth movement or the “Plan” which we’ve been sold for 4 years apparently includes old washed up, slow-working Japanese pitchers (Dan Warthen’s racist preference) over young hard throwing kids with huge upside.


-Ike Davis/Lucas Duda: 1st Base was another glaring weakness for this team last year. Sandy spent the Winter trying to extract someone’s top pitching prospect in exchange for Davis and became enraged that his price was not being met. Sandy refused to eat his rice pudding for weeks as a form of protest at his assisted living facility. Sandy was shocked to learn that Ike couldn’t fetch much more than one of Short Matt’s basal cell scars in return. Duda is a couple of neck bolts away from being Frankenstein. Sandy jolts him with high voltage if he so much as thinks about swinging at a fastball down the middle.

Can he even SEE the plate?!?

-Travis d’Arnauld: At 5’2″ and 104 pounds, “TDA” certainly strikes an imposing figure behind the dish and at the plate.  He looks like Tejada’s kid brother but with less power and a flatter face. This was the “difference maker” Sandy wanted. He’s the Mets starting catcher in 2014, but looks less adept offensively than Charlie O’Brien and worse defensively than Kelly Stinnett.  No viable backups were brought in, so TDA it is!

Here we are four years after Sandy jumped off the screen from his role in the movie “Cocoon” and we are still waiting for a SS, a Catcher, and a 1st Baseman. And a “Plan.” He has allegedly stockpiled a “cache” of young Power Arms (not unlike the cache of writers found here daily)  throughout the organization. Unfortunately, Sandy is that rare GM who will neither “play” the young kids nor Trade the young kids. Developing a strong farm system pays off in theory, in two ways. Either they blossom at the Major League level for the team, or they are dealt for impact players that can fill holes elsewhere on the team. Sandy will do neither. Instead, he seems to believe the end game here is fielding the best damn Savannah Sand Gnats team he possibly can. Instead of basking in the glory of the accolades thrown at him by the SABR Nerds for having acquired (inherited mostly) these good young arms, someone needs to teach Sandy that winning at the highest level is what is most important. Every other action by Sandy tells us he just doesn’t get this. It’s time for him to go.

Angry Ward, tomorrow.

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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake