(MARBLE HILL) NEW YORK, NY – This post should have happened years ago. For those of you not in the Angry inner-circle, my Mom is a still feisty 92-years-young and as opinionated as ever. One of her favorite pastimes is looking through the New York Times wedding announcements and making comments like: “She’s beautiful but he looks like a jackass.” She’s also something of a cult hero among my friends, especially for her world-famous botched movie titles, which include (*original title followed by Mom’s): American Pie = The Big Banana; Slumdog Millionaire = Mad Dog Landlord; and my personal fave, Romeo is Bleeding = Casanova is Dead. Anyway, you get the picture. So, a couple of years back I’m at my Mom’s and watching ESPN when Barry Melrose comes on the screen. Out of nowhere she comments: “Oh, he’s very good-looking.” I looked at the TV, looked back at her and said: “Really? Barry Melrose?” She nodded affirmatively. At that moment I thought: “I need to do an MTM column where I show my mom photos of various athletes and get her take on the way they look.” So let’s just call the following Mom’s Sports Rorschach Test. We’ll start by revisiting the man who started it all.
Barry Melrose. “He’s jolly. Not bad looking. Not sure you can trust him.” (Ed. note: Clearly the years have not been kind to Barry.)
Derek Jeter. “Oh, he’s famous. Retiring. He looks like he’s not ready to get married.” (Ed. note: It’s funny how most of these comments center on what Mom thinks it would be like to date these guys.”
Fred Wilpon. “Very Serious. Looks boring.”
Rex Ryan. “I don’t think he would attempt anything sexual right away.” (Ed. note: I may end up discussing this comment on a shrink’s couch in the not-too-distant future.)
Pete Carroll. “Reliable. Probably married. Clever. Not too many children.” (Ed. note: I checked and Pete Carroll is married and has three children. Not sure if Mom considers that too many).
Ray Rice. “Very nice. Trustworthy.” (Ed note: When I told her who he was she laughed for around two minutes straight.)
Rollen Stewart aka Rainbow-wigged John 3:16 guy. “A complete nut. Out of it. An idiot.” (Ed. note: Okay, some of these are layups.)
Chris Berman. “Very opinionated. Might be boring. Terrible dresser. Not chic.”
Henrik Lundqvist. “Thinks too long about things. Don’t like his beard. He wouldn’t try anything on a date.”
Alex Rodriguez. “Could be difficult. Not too exciting.” (Ed. note: I was hoping for something a whole lot better for A-Rod.)
Adrian Peterson. “Fun guy. Just fun. Probably pleasant.” (Ed. note: Let’s not forget that this is the same woman who occasionally tried to hit me and my brother with a belt.)
Tim Tebow. “Seems very thoughtful. Might be conservative… I don’t know.”
Short Matt. “I like him. Looks like lots of fun… but sometimes hesitant.”
So, there you have it. Maybe not as many guffaws as I was expecting. Mom does better off-the-cuff than on-the-record. Still, I appreciate her sitting still for this and for continuing to be a great mom.
Come back tomorrow for another real mother, Walter “Grinding Ax” Hynes.
NOTE: One Final Ed. Note: Incredibly, hours after I filed this piece yesterday, my mom passed away suddenly in her apartment. This meager post does not do justice to the woman, her sense of humor, and joy of life. Let’s just say that it was 92 years well spent.