Angry Ward Wednesday: When it Comes to Sports, Mom Knows Best… or Does She?

Barry Melrose(MARBLE HILL) NEW YORK, NY – This post should have happened years ago. For those of you not in the Angry inner-circle, my Mom is a still feisty 92-years-young and as opinionated as ever. One of her favorite pastimes is looking through the New York Times wedding announcements and making comments like: “She’s beautiful but he looks like a jackass.” She’s also something of a cult hero among my friends, especially for her world-famous botched movie titles, which include (*original title followed by Mom’s): American Pie = The Big Banana; Slumdog Millionaire = Mad Dog Landlord; and my personal fave, Romeo is Bleeding = Casanova is Dead. Anyway, you get the picture. So, a couple of years back I’m at my Mom’s and watching ESPN when Barry Melrose comes on the screen. Out of nowhere she comments: “Oh, he’s very good-looking.” I looked at the TV, looked back at her and said: “Really? Barry Melrose?” She nodded affirmatively. At that moment I thought: “I need to do an MTM column where I show my mom photos of various athletes and get her take on the way they look.” So let’s just call the following Mom’s Sports Rorschach Test. We’ll start by revisiting the man who started it all.

Barry Melrose.He’s jolly. Not bad looking. Not sure you can trust him.” (Ed. note: Clearly the years have not been kind to Barry.)

Screen shot 2014-09-23 at 9.44.37 PM
When it Comes to Sports, Mom Knows Best.

Derek Jeter.Oh, he’s famous. Retiring. He looks like he’s not ready to get married.” (Ed. note: It’s funny how most of these comments center on what Mom thinks it would be like to date these guys.”

Screen shot 2014-09-23 at 9.39.49 PMFred Wilpon.Very Serious. Looks boring.”

Rex Ryan.I don’t think he would attempt anything sexual right away.” (Ed. note: I may end up discussing this comment on a shrink’s couch in the not-too-distant future.)

Pete-Carroll-Straw-HatPete Carroll.Reliable. Probably married. Clever. Not too many children.” (Ed. note: I checked and Pete Carroll is married and has three children. Not sure if Mom considers that too many).

Ray Rice.Very nice. Trustworthy.” (Ed note: When I told her who he was she laughed for around two minutes straight.)

john_316_031Rollen Stewart aka Rainbow-wigged John 3:16 guy.A complete nut. Out of it. An idiot.” (Ed. note: Okay, some of these are layups.)

Chris Berman.Very opinionated. Might be boring. Terrible dresser. Not chic.

Henrik Lundqvist.Thinks too long about things. Don’t like his beard. He wouldn’t try anything on a date.

chris-berman-618aAlex Rodriguez. “Could be difficult. Not too exciting.” (Ed. note: I was hoping for something a whole lot better for A-Rod.)

Adrian Peterson. “Fun guy. Just fun. Probably pleasant.” (Ed. note: Let’s not forget that this is the same woman who occasionally tried to hit me and my brother with a belt.)

20100807_cob_av4_904.jpgTim Tebow.Seems very thoughtful. Might be conservative… I don’t know.

Short Matt.I like him. Looks like lots of fun… but sometimes hesitant.”

So, there you have it. Maybe not as many guffaws as I was expecting. Mom does better off-the-cuff than on-the-record. Still, I appreciate her sitting still for this and for continuing to be a great mom.

Come back tomorrow for another real mother, Walter “Grinding Ax” Hynes.

NOTE: One Final Ed. Note: Incredibly, hours after I filed this piece yesterday, my mom passed away suddenly in her apartment. This meager post does not do justice to the woman, her sense of humor, and joy of life. Let’s just say that it was 92 years well spent.

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About Angry Ward 619 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.