Angry Ward Wednesday: Rebels, Royals, Unicycles, Lasers, and Hair Pulling. Yeah!

Cheesy Bruin Oscar
Cheesy Bruin Oscar

BRONX, NY – Was thinking of asking Management for a break from the column this week but I was pretty certain what their response would be, so I’m forging ahead as planned. To be honest, after all the NFL scandals and wild final week of baseball’s regular season, I haven’t really been bowled over with many sports stories of late. So let’s just throw some things out there and see what, if anything, sticks.

I wasn’t born a rebel, but I married one. A belated congrats to my wife and the rest of her friends from her college days at University of Mississippi for the big win over Alabama last Saturday. Though my wife wishes she cared about sports enough for this to be a bigger deal to her, I did try to explain that this is easily the biggest Ole Miss football win that I can ever remember. I hasten to remind her, and others, that any time you beat Nick Saban, it’s cause for raucous celebration. Hoping that one of these years I make it down to “The Grove” for some tailgating.

Royals and Orioles. I’m absolutely tickled that two teams that haven’t mattered in decades are now going to slug it out to see who reps the American League in the 2014 World Series. It’s odd seeing Kansas City and Baltimore back in baseball’s limelight. The last time these teams were relevant, rainbow suspenders were in and “Undercover Angel” was a #1 song. To give you some perspective, having these two teams in the championship mix would be like having Bill Murray and Michael Keaton battling it out for a 2015 Best Actor Oscar… which I also hope happens.

Unicycle Rage? I was on my way to work yesterday (boy, that still sounds strange to say) and I saw a guy outside his building getting ready to mount a monster-truck-sized version of a unicycle. Is there some sort of law in place that makes it legal to punch anyone in the mouth who decides to use a unicycle as their preferred mode of transportation? If not, there really should be. These gum-balls need to be stopped.

Geno Smith Meet_The_MattsJets GM and other sports jobs that should be open. Fake Sandy Alderson handled this at length yesterday, but it bears repeating: Exactly how does NY Jets general manager John Idzik still have a job? I know grade school kids who were smart enough to know that Geno Smith was not an NFL quarterback. Even after a handful of preseason games in his rookie year you could see he was horribly over-matched. How do people like this manage to keep their jobs? How is Roger Goodell still NFL commissioner? How does anyone in the NFL main office still have a job? Doesn’t anyone have the backbone to fire anyone anymore? This country has gotten soft on incompetent losers.

Lasers and Hair Pulling. Two more captivating stories from the NFL this past weekend… First, the Buffalo Bills complained that some fan at their game at Detroit was using a laser pointer to distract them on at least one field goal attempt and at other points. The Lions have yet to identify the culprit, but it’s probably the same guy who stole George Costanza’sthat’s gotta hurt!” thunder in that movie theater way back when. Angry_Ward Pierre_Garcon Richard_Sherman Meet_The_MattsFinally, Seattle Seahawks defensive back Richard Sherman, who runs his mouth every bit as much as his legs, complained that Washington receiver Pierre Garcon pulled his dreadlocks on Monday night in an effort gain separation or, as we used to call it, get open. Sherman has yet to file domestic abuse charges as the NFL can’t seem to find the tape of the alleged incident.

OK, that’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for someone who will truly have something worthwhile to say.

P.s… With all the Jets talk and the Rangers getting ready to drop the gloves, here’s one from the MTM Vault.

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About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.