NEW YORK, NY – Historically, October hasn’t been a good baseball month but for many MLB fans across the MLB Universe. While the Yankees, Braves, Dodgers, Cardinals and Giants have treated their fans with many trips to the post-season, teams like the Indians, Chisox, Padres, Brewers and the New York Mets (who have only been to the post-season 7 times in their 1267-year existence) have been particularly cruel to their respective fanatics. Indeed, if you add the Red Sox to the list of winners, then “the rest of the rest” is led by the Pirates, with 17 appearances in their 657-years of being in baseball. The point? Simply that for most of us, the Hot Stove Rumors can’t start soon enough. With that, after readying some peat – or turves, more specifically – for the stove(s), here are our Hot Stove Rumors and Hopes:
–Alex Rodriguez to the Mets: Think about this one Mets fans. Letting an old A-Rod play short in Flushing would put this team on the map. He’s old, immobile, toxic and tainted – but he’s better than Wilmer Flores and the chubby/lazy/slow/anemic Ruben Tejada. We’d pay to scream at him. You would, too.
–James Shields and Jon Lester to the Yankees: Yes, we want TWO of MLB’s best pitchers to sign with the Yanks… Why? Because one of them will sh*t the bed and both will eventually turn into CC Sabathia Deux & Trois. Plus, the Yankees now get nailed with a 50% Luxury (Competitive Balance) tax hit for every penny they go over the $189,000,000.00 cap. We want this organization to suffer for replacing Yankee Stadium (a place that gave US goosebumps) with The House That Greed Built. P.s… Lester would have to change his first name to Mo.
–Albert Pujols to the Mets: Hey, we’ve got A-Rod, why not get the El Duque of Everyday Players, too?! Put the 51-year-old at first and move Lucas Duda to the outfield again. After all, isn’t it time the Mets Brass tinkered with the Paul Bunyon spawn again? This would satisfy all that. Make the Angels pick up the tab and give ’em de Gromb. He’ll like the beaches in Anaheim and looks like a Weaver.
–Bobby Valentine as GM: We want Bobby V back in Flushing – plain and simple. The SNY gig doesn’t cut it. Moreover, we want him – not Sandy – to engineer the A-Rod and Pujols deals. Further, we want him to bring up mini-Bobby, Wally Backman, to manage. The entertainment would be better than Jack Bauer meets Larry David on Homeland with a bevy of Lingerie Football Stars coached by Sofia Vergara.
–Gag Order/Social Media Freeze on Matt Harvey: To say this guy is a tad too full of himself would be the equivalent of saying Percy Harvin is a bit difficult. But at least Harvin has been in his league for more than five minutes before letting everyone know when he expectorates or has flatulence issues.
–Drunken David Wright: All of the above is great but how about if Mr. Clean was always hammered when they put the post-game mics in his face? “F*** you! Eat s**t, you mother f…” would be his go-to lines before an ever-vigilant Backman grapples (he wrestled) him away from the media. Heck, it would show that Dave was human and that even he couldn’t take the crap us fans are asked to swallow.
One can dream, can’t one?
And there you have it. Fully-cooked Hot Stove Rumors to warm even the coldest of hearts… Come back tomorrow for a warm-hearted Junoir Blaber.