MIAMI BEACH, FL – I stumbled on to an old USA Network series a few months ago called Burn Notice. It’s about a CIA spy who gets “burned.” When a Spy gets burned, it means someone at the “Company” wanted one of their own agents buried; their reputation and life essentially ruined… until further notice. It stars mostly anonymous actors – with the notable exceptions of Sharon Gless of Cagney & Lacey fame (not the fat one) and Gabrielle Anwar, the intoxicating little British beauty who did the tango with Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Hooo-Ah!
When a spy gets burned, he’s taken off the payroll, ripped of his credentials and banished out of sight. You know where I’m going. Burn notices need to be issued immediately to the following.
Michael Cuddyer, you are officially burned. Clearly you were a Coors Field creation the last couple of years. Your first two months back at sea level have disappointed a fan base that believed it was getting a pro’s pro with a flair for the clutch base hit. Instead we got Jason Bay’s slightly deformed cousin. Looking at this picture of Cuddy below, modeling for the recent “fedora Day” at Citifield, makes you want to smash his face. Welcome to New York. Pack your bags and tell buddy David Wright thanks for the referral.
The NBA: -Yes, I’m calling for the entire league to get “burned.” The Cavs and Warriors clinched their respective conference championships sometime around St. Patty’s Day. I’m told the Finals will begin on June 4th. This Burn Notice is earned on the arrogance of a second-rate league, believing that there are people who will stay glued to an 11-month schedule & 4-month postseason.
Sandy Alderson/Terry Collins: Rather than getting a major leaguer to fill in for oft-fake injured David Wright, this tag team earns a burn notice for pretending there were viable “internal” options. The latest and most idiotic “option” is giving regular at bats to Ruben Tejada (whom Sandy tried burning many times before). My problem isn’t (incredibly) with Tejada getting playing time, since he’s a top 5 hitter on this team. But my calling for Sandy/Terry to get burned is the fact that Ruben is in the lineup and playing THIRD BASE! He ain’t Ozzie Smith. But he’s the best SS you’ve got. This stubborn disregard of baseball logic that compels them to use Wilmer Flores – no matter what – at short is criminal. Swap positions, morons! Surely Haliburton has a secret prison to stash these imbeciles.
Phil Jackson deserves to be burned. Beyond recognition in fact. He couldn’t resist the $60M bucks. Who could? But if he wanted to prove to a skeptical public that he was something more than a caretaker for a stable of hall of famers, whose most unique skill was staying out of their way? He’s failed. He has no management chops at all. He’ll be gone shortly after he screws up this year’s draft and he’ll blame it on Isiah Thomas being an annoying intrusive presence.
People on Twitter under 40. They use terms like “Hella good.” They drink “fair trade coffee.” They live in Sunset Park, and do so ironically. They are part of something called the “7 Line Army.” They watch soccer on TV on Saturday mornings. They’re from Ohio originally. Microbreweries are amazing. These people should be burned… At the stake, for crissakes.
You can feel free to hand out notices as well to Boomer Esiason, Rick Nash, Yordany Ventura and Candy Crush invites.
As Scott Glenn once uttered to Angry Ward in this space…”Burn This!”