BRONX, NY – Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, America’s Homecoming, and the favorite holiday of many. I’m still a Christmas guy, but Thanksgiving does deserve all of the love it gets. For starters, it’s always on a Thursday (which follows Angry Ward Wednesday), so you’re guaranteed a four-day weekend!
Then there’s the food. This is the one holiday where you are absolutely expected to stuff your gut to capacity and pass out on your couch. What’s more American that that?
Finally, other than New Year’s Day, this is the only of our day-off traditions that involves football. Who cares that Detroit always sucks and that everyone hates the Cowboys? On this day, even pigskin haters know that watching football is part of the experience.
Keeping this in mind, let’s set the table for some Thanksgiving and sports:
Chips n’ dip. Eagles coach Chip Kelly has proven to be a complete dipsh!t.
Cheese. I frankly don’t see the need for any kind of cheese snacks prior to Thanksgiving dinner. Too dense and needlessly filling. That being said, my wife makes one mean baked brie wheel. Also, I hate those lousy Cheesehead Packers fans. America’s Dairyland can go to hell.
Rolls. Half of all professional athletes piss away their signing bonuses by buying a Rolls.
Wine. Jarvis Redwine remains one of my favorite athlete names of all time.
Salad. For the love of God, there is no need for salad at Thanksgiving dinner. As Homer Simpson once sang, “you don’t make friends with salad.”
Turkey. In bowling, rolling three consecutive strikes is called a turkey. If you didn’t know that, you really need to be bowling more. As a side note, I once attended a Thanksgiving dinner where the host carved the turkey up and discarded all of the skin. I still haven’t recovered from that. You do not throw away the skin!
Chicken. Our own abhors turkey so I thought I’d throw him some chicken. Not the San Diego Chicken, but former Yankees shortstop, Fred “Chicken” Stanley.
Mashed potatoes. I’ve got nothing for mashed potatoes. Unless you want to reach and say something about the kids’ game Spud. I’m not gonna go there. Mashed potatoes don’t need no stinkin’ sports reference.
Corn. As my friend Sean likes to say, corn makes for a great intestinal bookmark. You don’t like it on the cob? How about some Cedric “Cornbread” Maxwell?
Stuffing. Ronda Rousey recently had the stuffing knocked out of her. And I’m always hearing about football teams that need to get better at stuffing the run. When it comes to stuffing the runs, bananas are always a good choice.
Cranberry sauce. This isn’t really a sauce. C’mon. Never been a fan.
Gravy. Any amount of wins over 20 this year is pure gravy for the New York Knicks.
Desserts. I personally never have much room for dessert on Thanksgiving. In my book, if you’re saving room for pie and cake and ice cream, you’re doing something wrong. If Greg Hardy kills one of his Dallas Cowboys teammates, Jerry Jones will get his just desserts.
That’s all for this week. Have a great Thanksgiving, all!
