Angry Ward Wednesday: From Chicken Stanley to Cornbread Maxwell – Happy Thanksgiving!

Football: NFC Playoffs: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones (R) with New Jersey governor Chris Christie on field before game vs Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. Green Bay, WI 1/11/2015 CREDIT: Tom Lynn (Photo by Tom Lynn /Sports Illustrated/Getty Images) (Set Number: X159133 TK1 )
Jarvis Redwine
Drink wine, think of me.

BRONX, NY – Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, America’s Homecoming, and the favorite holiday of many. I’m still a Christmas guy, but Thanksgiving does deserve all of the love it gets. For starters, it’s always on a Thursday (which follows Angry Ward Wednesday), so you’re guaranteed a four-day weekend!

Then there’s the food. This is the one holiday where you are absolutely expected to stuff your gut to capacity and pass out on your couch. What’s more American that that?

Finally, other than New Year’s Day, this is the only of our day-off traditions that involves football. Who cares that Detroit always sucks and that everyone hates the Cowboys? On this day, even pigskin haters know that watching football is part of the experience.

Keeping this in mind, let’s set the table for some Thanksgiving and sports:

Chips n’ dip. Eagles coach Chip Kelly has proven to be a complete dipsh!t.

Manute_Bol and Spud_Webb
Minute Manute… Spud

Cheese. I frankly don’t see the need for any kind of cheese snacks prior to Thanksgiving dinner. Too dense and needlessly filling. That being said, my wife makes one mean baked brie wheel. Also, I hate those lousy Cheesehead Packers fans. America’s Dairyland can go to hell.

Rolls. Half of all professional athletes piss away their signing bonuses by buying a Rolls.

Wine. Jarvis Redwine remains one of my favorite athlete names of all time.

Salad. For the love of God, there is no need for salad at Thanksgiving dinner. As Homer Simpson once sang, “you don’t make friends with salad.

Turkey. In bowling, rolling three consecutive strikes is called a turkey. If you didn’t know that, you really need to be bowling more. As a side note, I once attended a Thanksgiving dinner where the host carved the turkey up and discarded all of the skin. I still haven’t recovered from that. You do not throw away the skin!

JG Clancy and David Wrights Helmet
White + Trash = JG Clancy

Chicken. Our own  abhors turkey so I thought I’d throw him some chicken. Not the San Diego Chicken, but former Yankees shortstop, Fred “Chicken” Stanley.

Mashed potatoes. I’ve got nothing for mashed potatoes. Unless you want to reach and say something about the kids’ game Spud. I’m not gonna go there. Mashed potatoes don’t need no stinkin’ sports reference.

Corn. As my friend Sean likes to say, corn makes for a great intestinal bookmark. You don’t like it on the cob? How about some Cedric “Cornbread” Maxwell?

Stuffing. Ronda Rousey recently had the stuffing knocked out of her. And I’m always hearing about football teams that need to get better at stuffing the run. When it comes to stuffing the runs, bananas are always a good choice.

Cranberry sauce. This isn’t really a sauce. C’mon. Never been a fan.

Gravy. Any amount of wins over 20 this year is pure gravy for the New York Knicks.

Desserts. I personally never have much room for dessert on Thanksgiving. In my book, if you’re saving room for pie and cake and ice cream, you’re doing something wrong. If Greg Hardy kills one of his Dallas Cowboys teammates, Jerry Jones will get his just desserts.

Football: NFC Playoffs: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones (R) with New Jersey governor Chris Christie on field before game vs Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. Green Bay, WI 1/11/2015 CREDIT: Tom Lynn (Photo by Tom Lynn /Sports Illustrated/Getty Images) (Set Number: X159133 TK1 )
Stuffing each other.

That’s all for this week. Have a great Thanksgiving, all!

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About Angry Ward 671 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.