Angry Ward Wednesday: Worst Sports Month is a Gulag For Everything

Melon was a 2 sport star?

BRONX, NY– The Super Bowl is over… and it sucked. Pitchers and catchers don’t report for another couple of weeks. Hockey doesn’t get truly important for a while. The NBA should just go ahead and give Golden State the trophy already. The weather here in the Northeast is still gray and cold with a 50% chance of suicide. The month of February is in desperate need of a publicist. It’s easily the Worst Sports Month of the Year, by a lot! Here are some ideas on how to fix it.

spring

Start Spring Training Early. Why the hell not? It doesn’t have to  be mandatory for everyone on the team show up on February 1, but if you’re fighting for a roster spot or a minor leaguer looking for some extra playing time in front if the big club coaches or even a star player that ate yourself out of shape over the offseason, early Spring Training is just the ticket. How much arm twisting would it take to get players and fans to arrive early to warm-weather locales? Not much. Let’s do this.

Extend Mardi Gras and Turn it Into a Reality Show. First of all, Mardi Gras is a great big party, and no one wants great big parties to end. It should stretch into Lent, and that’s where the reality show piece could happen. Film the whole thing, make it a contest of debauchery, then slowly take away those things and make everyone in New Orleans a contestant. There’s nothing more entertaining than watching alcohol and sex withdrawal. At the end, crown a Mr. & Ms. Mardi Gras and make them get married. Someone just take this idea and run with it.

In February, nobody is working for the weekend.
In February, nobody is working for the weekend.

NBA Elimination Month. This is an idea I love. Turn February into the month that dead wood NBA teams get eliminated from participation. You heard me. You stink and you go home. The remainder of your games get forfeited and fans either get refunded or get to attend concerts (you don’t find out the artist until you arrive!) which will fill those empty dates. Seriously, who wants to watch the Suns play the Nets or Philadelphia play anyone? I’d rather roll the dice with a Rush tribute band or some reanimated 80s trash like Loverboy.

February is Vacation Month. Shut it all down. Close February and make it a mandatory American vacation month. Of course, with everyone off we are ripe for invasion or starvation or both. Look I haven’t worked out all the details, but no one should have to do anything in February.

Gambling. All gambling should be legalized each year in the month of February, all across this great nation of ours. This would be most excellent. What were mostly meaningless basketball and hockey games become awesome opportunities to bet, bet, bet your brains out. And anyone can run a book or casino. Go down to your corner bodega to put 50 bucks on George Mason getting 4 from the Rhode Island Rams or play craps at Chipotle… only not the usual kind of craps you “play” at Chipotle.

Melon was a 2 sport star?
Melon was a 2 sport star?

Back to School! February would be a perfect time of year to let everyone find their inner Thornton Melon and go back to college. As someone who chose to go to a college in the Northeast, I can say without hesitation that this time around I would choose a school in the South or out West. Also, anyone who didn’t play sports their first time around are still eligible. So get out that one-piece swimsuit and start working on your Triple Lindy.

Angry Ward Liberation Month. I’ve been doing this for, what, six years or so? Shouldn’t I get a month off each year? Fair’s fair! This site needs a Norma Rae. I’m gonna meet my maker working for Meet The Matts.

Come back tomorrow for another mirthless day of February and post by Hook or by Crook.

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About Angry Ward 681 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.