PANIC CITY, BLOCK C – A couple of years ago, my 4-year-old niece found herself in a bit of hot water. Seems she had drawn all over her brother’s homework. When “called on the carpet” to face these charges, she stalled and grinned for a good 5 minutes before finally blurting out, “I want cake!” I found her strategy brilliant. Rather then trying to explain away her crime, or apologizing to her apoplectic brother, she went a different way: She blurted out a non-sequitur with an adorable smile. At the conclusion of today’s Deep Thoughts With Fake Sandy I too will be invoking The Cake Rule. This rule, whereby any time an uncomfortable question is asked or accountability demanded, you just bail. Take the route of the 4-year-old and hope for the best.
Mets fans, here are the thoughts you SHOULD be having while watching our Boys defend their NL Pennant:
The Amazins’ clawed their way back to .500 last night as Noah Syndergaard turned in yet another dominating performance. In so doing, “Thor” made the pecking order of the Mets’ vaunted rotation even more clear. Noah is clearly the new “alpha dog,” with new Daddy Jacob DeGrom alongside. Steven Matz was terrific on Sunday while striking out 9 Indians. And Colon is Colon.
The real enigma of this staff though is The Curious Case of Matt Harvey. Now, I know Harvey has had some painful cramping, and an even heavier flow than usual, so I’ll cut him a little slack. But at what point do we say as Met fans that the “Beige Knight” is no more? His uninspired work thus far in 2016 begs the question, “Is that all there is?” Stop with the whining and drama, Beyonce. Pitch better!
This is worth watching the whole way through, but cue to the 6:00 mark if you’re in a rush.
Travis d’Arnauld. Is there something wrong with him? Seriously, if you look into his eyes, you can see Mental Illness. He seems oddly disconnected from his teammates. He’s a weird little man. And he brings a unique combo to the table as a “no-hit, no-field” catcher.
Terry Collins. Expectations can change a man. He bought himself credibility-or I should say, a 6 week hot streak by Yoenis Cespedes bought him some breathing room as an MLB manager. Before and after Cespedes’ scalding run, Terry was/is what he always was. An incompetent in game strategist with absolutely no feel for how to properly use a bullpen. A World Series appearance and otherworldly starting pitching can make you look good for a while-but not forever.
Addison Reed. If it wasn’t for the suddenly hittable closer Jeurys Familia, I’d have to put my money on Reed to be this year’s whipping boy for fans to unleash their blame and fury. Familia though, isn’t right. Stay tuned.
Cespedes. Yep, he’s heating up with the bat. But he may be the worst outfielder I’ve seen since Daniel Murphy patrolled LF in Shea Stadium. And he was the worst I’d seen since the days of the Mets playing Howard Johnson, Keith Miller and Juan Samuel in CF!. Have they EVER cared about defense?
Lucas Duda. The big fella finally went yard last night after 11 games of doing nothing. He sticks to that haircut though just in case he’s asked to reprise the role played previously by Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein. That’s our 1st Baseman on the right in this clip.
So yes, even as we find our Metsies at .500 this morning, I still feel a bit uneasy about many of the things I’ve seen over the season’s first 2 weeks. If you strongly disagree – as I believe many will, well… I want cake. Or maybe a [Phil] Scooter Pie.
Come back tomorrow for the Rizzutto of this site, Angry Ward.