Angry Ward Wednesday Wish List: Vikes, Mariners, No-Hitters and Guns

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NEW YORK, NY – If my life ended tomorrow, I wouldn’t be too thrilled. But I also wouldn’t feel that I got cheated. I’ve been drawing breath on this big blue marble for almost a half century now and I’ve done and seen some pretty amazing things. Along the way, I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, ran two NYC marathons, wrote a truly sophomoric book, did a bit of traveling, helped usher a life into this world. and ate a hell of a lot of hamburgers. I was alive to see both The Miracle on Ice and the even more miraculous Matt McCarthy Marriage. It’s been a wild ride. But there are still some things left to do.

wild-fans

Vikes, Mariners & Wild…

Vikes, Mariners, & Wild. These teams need to win championships. The toughest, and most important, by far, is the Minnesota Vikings. I’ve witnessed this team lose in every excruciating fashion imaginable. Any Minny fan out these knows what I’m talking about. The Mariners are a close second. Now that the Golden State Warriors lost to Cleveland, I have two teams that have had record-breaking seasons for wins that failed to win it all. Of course. The Wild? They have a way to go, but it was special torture rooting for the North Stars all those years only to watch them move to Dallas and hoist the Cup their first year in Texas. Let’s move on.

Hawaii. I’ve never been! How is this? C’mon, it seems like an easy enough trip, especially for an old Magnum P.I. fan such as myself. I need me a Luau. I need to get Lei’d. This one is on me.

No-Hitter. I have never witnessed a No-hitter live. That may not seem like a big deal, but I’ve been to a LOT of baseball games. The biggest problem here is probably all of the Mets games I’ve attended. After all, they only have one No-No in franchise history, and that was fairly recently. The good news is, the Mets finally have a starting staff that will notch another no-hitter soon. I’m kinda hoping it will be Bartolo Colon, though. Thumb injury notwithstanding. Stay tuned.

Hole in One. I’ve only played golf a handful of times in my life so, y’know, I suck. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to get a hole in one once in my life. I am not willing to put in any of the practice though. Playing 18 t 36 holes every weekend? No thanks. I just think I’ll just find a bunch of easy Par Threes and take a shot from time to time.

Drink from the Stanley Cup. Why the hell not? That oral herpes chalice gets around. This shouldn’t be a tough one to achieve.

Gun Legislation. I’m not going to dwell on this hot-button topic, but I find it absolutely mind-boggling that zero gun measures can be passed in this country. When did the NRA become the most powerful, impenetrable organization on the planet? Oil Can Boyd_Book_CoverThey make Big Oil look like a minor league outfit. We have a sitting President and a billionaire, Mike Bloomberg, who both are trying to affect even the most minor changes in gun laws and can’t. It’s legal for pretty much anyone to own a military-grade assault weapon. Why? I have no idea. People talk about protection and making sure the “good guys” have access to the same guns as the bad guys. But to this day I have never heard of one instance where some nut with an assault rifle got thwarted by some hero with an assault rifle who just happened to be there. I’d gladly trade the rest of these things for some movement on this one.

Surfing. This one could go hand-in-hand with Hawaii, but I’ve always wanted to try surfing. I’m a huge fan of the ocean and this just seems like a natural fit for me. I don’t expect to be great at it, but would just like to get out there and give it a go before I balloon up to 260 lbs.

Nipsey RussellBowl a 300 Game. Closest I’ve come was like a 219 or something. I’m a purist though. I don’t want that 300 unless there’s lots of beer involved.

See any Other Sort of Transcendent Sports Moment. The Miracle on Ice will never be outdone, sorry Millennials, but there are still plenty of cool things that can happen down the road. I’m talking about the U.S. Men Winning the Soccer World Cup, Bartolo Colon stealing home, a three-legged horse winning The Kentucky Derby, or this site becoming a money maker. Ya never know.

Okay, that’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for the Pulitzer-winning work of  someone other than Nipsey Russell.

 

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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