CHICAGO, IL – Has there ever been a more important baseball game for the fans of one team than the one facing Chicago Cubs fans tonight? And by no means are we saying this isn’t massively important for Cleveland Indians fans. It’s likely in the Top 10 for those folks. But good golly, it’d be downright disingenuous, an outright prevarication (which we are known for), to NOT call this one the Biggest Game in MLB History… for Cubs fans. Here’s why:
–Jason Heyward: If the Cubbies lose, our collective microscopes will have examine any and all evidence of the crime – and this will indeed be a Crime Against [Cubs] Humanity. Without question, the $184,000,000.00 that Theo Epstein spent on this bust/reserve outfielder could be the one thing that diverts the FBI from Hillary’s controversial email-gate. What needs, what players, could that money have been used for?! The Cubs have no real needs, you say! To that we quote John Adams with his, “Facts are stubborn things,” and point to the scoreboards of Games 1 & 3 that show ZERO RUNS SCORED by Genius Joe Maddon’s guys. For One Hundered and Eighty-Four Million Dollars, you could have any number of top bats or arms on you bench. Not Heyward Jablowmie.
–Bill Murray’s Legacy: We tweeted about this last night as it unraveled. Was Big Bill’s moment awkwardly unfunny? To be honest, we’re such big fans of his we’re not sure. But it did feel a tad uncomfortable. If they lose, it’s on him and his legacy will suffer like Marv Albert’s after he had that whole lingerie-wearing mess.
–People Will Die: Look, as Mets fans we know the pain and suffering of losing. But we don’t know 108 years of it. You know somebody will have a heart attack and die over this. You do. You know it. And even if that hopefully doesn’t happen, there will be a helluva lot of Cubs fans that die inside. Forever. Chicago will truly be the Walking Dead City, replete with vacant, lost, empty stares in the eyes of the shuffling, desolate masses.
–No More Wrigley: Don’t be surprised if President Czar The Donald (thanks to the aforementioned FBI) decides that part of Making America Great Again means starting from scratch in downtrodden places like Wrigleyville. And how will he do that there, specifically? By “… casting aside centuries and centuries of losing and renaming Wrigley Field… you ready people? Trump Field... you’ll love it, believe me.”
–Pat Hulne: Mr. Hulne, who plays rugby for the Chicago Griffins and has taken the pitch with Short Matt, sold his box seats for $6,000 per for tonight. He’s likely to get $18,000 per tomorrow – if the Cubs don’t lose. Pat [pronounced Pyatt], will be, without question, one of Chi-Towns Walking Dead if that happens. Not to mention his cheesy Baez haircut.
So now you see it, right? Tonight’s Battle of the Beaten-Downs is clearly The Biggest Game in MLB History.
Oh… And it’s even bigger if Terry Francona’s move to pitch Kluber on short rest backfires… like Yogi using Seaver in ’73.
Please come back tomorrow for The Man Who Should Be President, Cheesy Bruin… And feel free to leave your thoughts below and follow us on Twitter – @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.