BRONX, NY – For those of you who missed the not-so-annual Meet The Matts holiday party this year, you probably added a few extra days to your life. Between the boozing and the 100% deep-fried fare, my body still hasn’t recovered. Though guys like Grinding Ax Walter, Ben “Big Papa” Whitney, and DJ Eberle were missed, we had a pretty good turnout. Oh and Fluffy the Narwhal and his magic flask was also a gut-wrenching no-show. Still, we had a pretty good time. Among the lively topics discussed was the fact that contributors are not supposed to work blue on this site. So, in the spirit of this sh!tstorm of a holiday season, let’s talk some f**king sports.
Dumbass Names. In the history of sports there have been a lot of cool names. Otis Sistrunk, Rusty Kuntz, and God Shammgod are just a few that come to mind. But today it seems like we’ve got no shortage of horrible names. Two that immediately come to mind are Detroit Lions‘ offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter and Clemson football coach Dabo Swinney. Even Hayseeds think these names are a tad too Hillbilly. For f**k’s sake guys, it’s time for some moniker makeovers. You too, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, ya limey loser.
Pro Football Sucks C@ck! I’ve had it with this NFL season. It’s been an unholy abomination. My Vikings overcame all of their early injuries to somehow go 5-0, but they have since gone 2-7 and are dead in the water. So, what am I left with? The Dallas Cowboys having home field throughout the playoffs? The New York Giants who have no offensive line, a dumb f**k head coach, and a defense that can only keep them in it so long? The Patriots sans Gronkowski, doing it with a bunch of second-rate garbage so Bill Belichick can show what a genius he is? The goddamned Raiders? Seattle sucks. Atlanta’s best player is made out of glass. The Chiefs? Steelers or Ravens (one of these crap teams will win the SB, watch)? Sweet Jesus, the Dolphins are maybe in it? And please, someone, tell those c*nty Texans that the playoffs are cancelled this year. It’s easily the worst NFL season in recent memory.
Bartolo in Atlanta. No, this isn’t some Amazon streaming series like Mozart in the Jungle, it’s much, much worse. The Mets losing Big Sexy to the Atlanta Braves this off-season has been an absolute f**king punch to the balls of Mets fans. This guy was easily the most entertaining and consistent player on the Mets the past three years. He pitched effectively, fast, and gave us endless hours of joy watching him field his position and take his at-bats. He was the man. And now, he’s in that sh!thole known as Atlanta. I’m depressed as f**k about this, but will go to Shea Shack and cheer for him when he comes to town.
NBA, NHL, Go to Hell. I saw last year how the sh!tbags at the NBA can influence a season, so screw them for all eternity. The Knicks still are a bunch of panty wastes. The Nets are pretty close to being the worst team in the league. It’s one team in the East (Cleveland) vs. four teams in the West (Golden State, San Antonio, and pick 2 out of Memphis, Houston, OKC and the Clippers). Why bother with the season? The NHL is actually getting my attention, and I f**king hate it. Minnesota is playing great. It can’t last, I’ve seen this movie too many times. The Rangers have a great record, but we know how this ends. Wake me in May. Until then, pipe the f**k down.
Hope you a-holes lapped up this slop in record time. See you all after Christmas, when we can start looking forward to 4 motherf**king years of assclownery. Come back tomorrow for my compadre Buddy Diaz, doucheb@gs.
Please feel free to comment below and come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will have plenty of fresh concepts, I’m sure.. And please follow us on Twitter, @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.