LOUISVILLE, KY – It’s Derby Day. To many this day means hats, mint-juleps, pomp and much circumstance. To me the Kentucky Derby is simply a pleasant reminder that there are some people in Kentucky with a full set of teeth. That being said, these people are hardly the target market of the ponies. Myself and the rest of the (the ones without [wisdom] teeth) are the real bastions of the track. If it wasn’t for us degenerates, the ponies would have gone the way of boxing by now and the children of Kentucky would be reading at a first grade level… instead of a 3rd grade level.
In that spirit of civic consciousness I am about to give you my actual bets for this afternoon’s race as well as a couple prop bets to keep it interesting as if you take my advice on the race then you have absolutely no chance of winning and thus you need something else to watch for:
First bet $4 Superfecta: 17,15,2,14
Irish War Cry, McCracken, Thundersnow, Classic Empire
WHY: My grandmother used to say always bet the gray horse. I say bet on the horse owned by the gray lady. Isabelle DeTomaso is the wife of a 1950s race car driver. My keen handicap skills have this horse winning due to its origins on the pavement. I also think that 17 being a prime number makes for an excellent pick.
Second Bet $6 Trifecta 5,14,17
Always Dreaming, Classic Empire, Irish War Cry
WHY: My other grandmother who grew up with a strong pedigree of looking at horses out her window says always bet on the horse that won’t go in the gate. Always dreaming has the 5 slot which has produced 13 derby winners. Throw in a juke at the gate and this horse is a shoe – in.
Third Bet 12$ Box Trifecta 7,17,2
Girvin,Irish War Cry,Thundersnow
WHY: My mom grew up with an even more extensive pedigree of looking at horses out her window and even the rare quality experience of riding horses that she owned. Her best advice for betting the ponies; always bet the horse that takes a crap on the track during walkup. The key here is it has to be on the track. Crap outside the rail is a crap too soon. Crap in the gate is crap too late. A crap on the track is just right. For me, the best way to predict on track craps is to go with three prime numbers and box it. I am thinking one of these horses takes a monster dump on track. I just don’t know which one.
Jockey fight pre race 50/1
Jockey fight post race 34/1
A horses owner is rushed to a hospital 18/5
A horses owner is seen on an oxygen tank pre-race 5/4
NBC screws up coverage and breaks from a commercial to the race beginning 10/1
One more bet…
The biggest parlay ever: Secretriat’s record time is broken, Blues win the Stanley Cup, Cardinals win the World Series… Not even I am dumb enough to expect that. 500000000000/1
That’s it… Please whip your horses below and check us out on Twitter @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts. And come back tomorrow for a man who stands tall among jockeys, @CheesyBruin.