BRONX, NY – The Golden State Warriors won the NBA Championship Monday night. I’m not gonna write about it, but it needed to be said. During the series, Tall Matt was on social media railing against this “superteam” that was ruining professional basketball. In his previous Shirley MacLaine lives, he also bashed John Wooden, the 1927 Yankees, the Roman Empire, and upright walking hominids. Anyway, I’m glad the NBA and NHL seasons are over. All of this sports multi-tasking was wearing me out. It’s nice to finally sit back and focus on baseball. America’s pastime doesn’t require a whole lot of thought and energy for the casual fan. The long, languid season stretches out over the entire summer and into the fall, and allows all of us to breathe as we wait for the next opportunity to call Short Matt “Douche.” Here’s how the season should play out.
NL East. Even though their bullpen has more raggedy arms than a doll hospital, I’m guessing the Washington Nationals find a way to hold on and win this division. Kim Jong-un is jealous of their offensive weaponry and Dusty Baker will find a way to get gangly set-up man Barron “The Expert” Trump called up by September. The Mets will make it interesting though, and secure a wild card when Travis d’Arnaud finally admits he’s 5′ 6″ and starts drawing dozens of walks. Atlanta, Miami, and Philly can all continue to burn in hell, for all I care.
NL Central. The sh!ttiest division in all of baseball will, once again, be won by the Chicago Cubs. This is probably for the best because, I mean, anyone but the Cardinals, right? Aside from rabid Milwaukee supporters Lenny and Squiggy, the fans of teams in this division are the whitest and obesiest that America has to offer. They’ll be fine eating cheese and sausage and crappy chili and more cheese and washing it all down with the worst regional beers around, and wondering “when’s football start?” Oops, sorry, not you St. Louis.
NL West. This could very well be the division to watch this season. The Dodgers, Rockies, and Diamondbacks all look halfway decent. Too bad no one outside (and in many cases inside) those regions really gives a Rusty Kuntz. The D-Backs can hit, the Dodgers can pitch and the Rockies can all of a sudden win on the road. But, as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog would say: It’s a who’s who of who cares.
AL East. Yankees. Ugh. I need a shower after writing that. I just don’t think anyone else in the division is good enough. Especially the Orioles, who went from looking like world beaters to looking like Ike Turner ‘s punching bag. If the Yanks win their division hopefully they’ll give Aaron Judge a salary bump so he can get his chicklets fixed.
AL Central. Would love to see the Twins win this division, but then I’d have to watch them play the Yankees’ playoff hump toy for the umpteenth time. No thanks. How about Grinding Ax Walter Hynes’ Tigers? If they start hitting, watch out. Between them and Cleveland. Also, someone please explain to me what happened to the Royals? They kinda, sorta suck.
AL West. It looks like Houston’s to lose. And with the best record in baseball and not a single team in their division playing .500 ball, they look like a shoe-in. Still, ya never know. If the Bad News Bears taught us nothing in Breaking Training, it’s that pretty much anything can happen in Houston. Hey, maybe even my lousy Mariners can get healthy (guffaw) and make a run at a wild card.
So, when all is said and done, who will win the Series? Well, this year in sports has kind of played out as a year of teams winning that have “been there, done that.” New England in football, Pittsburgh in hockey, Golden State in basketball. If you look at the teams who’ve had recent success in the the WS, you will quickly realize that you may want to recuse yourselves from watching baseball this fall.
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit” or the word “obsequious.”