BRONX, NY – You know what’s any easy way to fulfill a column-writing obligation? Write up a list. Any list, really. A Top 10 List, a Best Dressed List, a Greatest Moments List, a list of People You Want to Have Sex With… the list goes on and on. These days one of the most popular lists, especially when it comes to sports, is the Power Rankings List. It’s basically an ongoing chart of what players. teams, and what have you are on the upswing or downswing. Let’s face it, if this site is ever going to be taken seriously we have to start copying nonsensical boilerplate garbage like this. So, let’s get to it… Angry Ward’s Meet The Matts Power Rankings List:
1. Cheesy Bruin. Our very own degenerate gambler and remorseless bourbon-swilling teddy bear comes in at numero uno this week. The Cheeseman has been on fire with his Free NFL Picks of late. I saw it firsthand in Vegas. He was picking winners like Timmy Lupus picked his nose. On top of everything else, he’s the only handicapper I know who actually has access to handicapped parking. The guy is on a roll.
2. The NHL. I’d like to take a quick moment to congratulate the NHL in achieving this season what Pete Rozelle failed to accomplish during his entire tenure as NFL commissioner: Total Parity. Take a look at those NHL standings. Aside from only a handful of bottom-dwellers, the rest of the teams are hovering near or above .500. They may need to bring back fighting to thin out the mediocre herd.
3. University of Miami. The convicts are in and the Catholics are out. Such is the circle of life in college football. For better or worse, 2017 has been a strong year for hurricanes.
4. College Basketball. Moving up from position 142 on the MTM Power Rankings list, just behind Donkey Water Polo, NCAA Basketball is back! Have to give it props now because next week it will be once again buried in obscurity until March.
5. The 2018 World Cup. Italy just got eliminated from World Cup 2018, officially making this the Final Destination movie of World Cups. I’m sorry, but it’s funny. If I’m Brazil, I’m looking over my shoulder. Here’s to an Iceland/Tunisia final!
28. D.J. Eberle. What happened to this guy? The weather is getting colder, we need his Hawt Takes more than ever. His Bills are in the crapper. His Atlanta Hawks are a pile of vomit. Even his idol, LeBron, is more troll than King these days. D.J., stop wallowing in self pity and beef on wecks and get back to your keyboard.
39. The New York Knicks. This mention is strictly for ratings and SEO content. Need that New York market, baby.
52. Jerry Jones. Doesn’t all of this anti-Goodell sabre rattling sound a lot more like Jerry’s death rattle? The Cowboys ain’t sh!t, and he knows it. Like Trump, his lifeblood, what’s left of it, is distraction.
112. Yankees Vacant Manager Position. I’m willing to bet that this position in its empty state has more personality than whoever ends up getting hired.
1,463. Short Matt. Make with my booze and stop quilting me with hospital recovery room photos. Oh, and bring the holiday party back to Bourbon Street.
That’s all for this week. Check out Buddy Diaz tomorrow with something far more original. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.