NEW YORK, NY – Desperate times call for desperate measures… Necessity is the mother of all invention… All options are on the table… Any and all of these cliches apply to The Hunt for Mets October (TM), and us fans need not feel completely helpless. We can do something more than simply watch Todd Frazier flail at curveballs in the dirt or Edwin Diaz toss beach-balls to Freddy Freeman. We can, in fact, directly influence the MLB Playoff picture. And thus, today’s headline: The Hunt for Mets October: *5 Ways Fans Can Hurt The Opposition.
1) Prank Phone Calls. We cannot give you player or coach phone numbers, as per our MTM Legal Department. BUT, we can urge you to get them. Once you do, use *67 before punching in the target’s (start with key members of the Nats, Braves, Cubs or Phils) number. That will keep your number from showing up on the receiving end. Speaking of receivers, we highly recommend peppering the backstops of the aforementioned teams with prank calls. After all, catchers don the tools of ignorance, so they’re likely not the brightest of bulbs. It will, therefore, take them longer to figure out what’s happening. A beleaguered, tired or aggravated backstop will directly impact the performance of the staff, tax the defense and have a domino effect on the entire organization.
2) Mattress Delivery: Some stores still allow you to pay on delivery. Get the address of a particular player (Bryce Harper) and have a mattress delivered to his house early in the AM of a day game following a night game. Disrupting his sleep with a device meant to aid in a restful/peaceful sleep is the ultimate mind-f*ck. “Super genius,” as Wylie E. Coyote would say.
3) Hotel Hi-jinks: This is one of the oldest tricks in the book but it is as effective as a Mariano Rivera cutter. Go to the desk of the hotel a team is staying in with a fake business card saying you are the “traveling secretary” for the Nationals. Give early wake-up calls, on the half-hour, for key players. When the hotel employee’s eyebrows raise, simply say, “Between you and me, these guys are under MLB random drug-testing protocol. Thus, the odd sleep interruptions. Please don’t leak this to the press. Ha ha.” An oldie but goodie.
4) Ethiopian Emails: We’ve all gotten the, “Hey, I’m in crazy situation in Ethiopia and lost my wallet and phone…” emails. But you can be that some players or coaches could be vulnerable in this department. Ronald José Acuña Blanco Jr., the stud for the Braves may be the perfect target. And he is a Met-killer in the young Andruw Jones mode. He’s Venezuelan, so it’s a no-brainier. “Hey man, I’m in Caracas jail being rolled by crooked gendarmes (use the French, it’s more authentic) and need your help. Please. I’m just a Braves fan on vacation and they busted me because I was wearing your jersey and now they think I am rich.” This is gold. Use it.
5) Address Changes: Allegedly, anyone can walk into a Post Office and fill out a change of address form. How about changing the address of the Yankees Payroll Department? Granted, the Stanks aren’t competing with the Mets for a playoff spot but seeing them crumble would be great! Imagine how quickly the infighting would start and camaraderie would unravel if checks stopped showing up. The House That Greed Built would buckle and collapse in a nanosecond. Better still, change the address to a charity or an orphanage.
And there you have it… Tools to combat the enemy and assist your team – hopefully it’s the Mets. See you at Tye-Die Bandana Day. Yours truly, Angry Ward, Cheesy Bruin and super-fan cnc63 will be in section 501. Replacement Matt will be in section 519. #LGM
Comment below and come back tomorrow for the aforementioned Cheesy Bruin, who fell for 1-5 above… thrice.
*This is meant in jest. Do not do any of this.