NEW YORK, NY – Another great week in Mattville is in the books, thanks to our stellar rotation of pundits. Be sure to check them out; there are some timeless jewels in there. Speaking of timeless jewels, as F. Scott Fitzgerald said in The Great Gatsby, “and so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past,” we are forever going back in time in talking sports – particularly if our teams suck – but we also have that lustful relationship with the future, “Wait til next year!” But we’re in the present and we have issues. Namely… Wuhan At The Bat & Super Bowl Saturday.
WUHAN AT THE BAT:
TRUE or FALSE: Chuck Wuhan was a backup 1B for the ’62 Chisox? (Bing it to find out). That aside, the biggest villain (tricky word to spell) not named Jeff Wilpon or James Dolan, is this Wuhan thingy and we’re here to clear up the potential baseball origin or connection re Wuhan At The Bat – our rough translation of the spreading Chinese viral story (see what we did there?) Anywho, the Corona Virus, as the terror-inducing plague overshadowing Kobe and The Donald, is A) NOT what natives of that section of Queens are infected with as per the toxic stench emanating from the Mets front office and B) The video of the young Chinese woman biting into a bat is real, but not relevant. Kind of like Aaron Boone. She wasn’t in Wuhan. She wasn’t even in
Gyna China. In fact, it was a woman named Wang hosting an online travel show in Palau, a Pacific island nation. So let’s back off the bat rumors, people. Move along. Nothing to see here. You’re welcome.
SUPER BOWL SATURDAY:
Right now we have two choices: 1) Go to work hungover on Monday or 2) Piss away a vacation day anticipating said hangover. Having the
Super Bowl Big Game on a Sunday is a lose-lose for everyone. Our nation’s GDP suffers because productivity is down as people spend more time than usual dry-heaving in the loo. What’s the answer, Matt(s)?! Glad you asked. Our extensive research, which took us to Buffalo, the Czech Republic, Flushing and Tampa, offers this mind-fumblingly simple solution: Super Bowl Saturday (TM) . Boom. Done. End of story… Not sold? Consider how much more beer/weed/food would be consumed without people having Miserable Monday (TM) hovering, after finding themselves in the wee hours trying to lessen the impending doom by soaking the booze in microwaved Sheetz Ramen Noodles or a WaWa Burrito. Still not sold? Our aforementioned research will change your mind. Have a look-see at this timeless jewel.
That’s it. Leave your timeless jewels below and come back tomorrow for Cheesy Bruin, who’d never shoot anyone in the back.