MTM HQ – Last week, I ruffled some feathers and got a stern text from Short Matt. It really pissed me off (not really, but go with me) and made me want to double-down and offend even more people this week. But I got sidetracked wondering if anyone had ever gotten 86’ed from this thankless gig. So I did some research and it turns out there were Five Ignominious Firings over the years. Let’s take a trip down MTM Memory Lane at the Disgraced Former MTM Contributors.
Elroy “Contrarian Matt” Jones
Jones was hired in 2006 to provide some alternate takes to the ball-scrubbing Mets puff pieces from the early days. But Elroy went too far when he said that “Keith Hernandez was an average defensive first baseman.” He was let go in 2007.
James “Matty” Mattison
Mattison’s brief tenure was graced with brilliant and hilarious commentary that transcended sports. His witty columns were more likely to be found in The New Yorker over MTM, the place where words go to die. But the man known as “Matty” sealed his own fate by frequently attacking Short Matt in his columns, often insisting the “short” part of the moniker had nothing to do with Matt’s height. He was let go later that year.
Fran “Faker Matt” Bergman
Fran came on board in 2014, but the “faker” moniker came “postMATThumously“. He wrote milquetoast columns for almost two years, biding his time. You see, Fran was a closet Yankees fan. When the Royals defeated the Mets in the 2015 World Series, his time had come. He penned a 4,000-word column consisting of only “Hahahaha, F U Mets fans.” The Matts were in their cups, mourning the morning away, and The Shining-esque post stayed up for hours. Faker was let go immediately, though you could argue he actually quit.
JT “Matterbator” Glancy
Glancy was brought on board in 2008. He could barely string a sentence together, but he was reliable. Unfortunately, he had a strange obsession. No less than six times – three MTM Christmas parties, two Mets games, and at a midtown bar – the Matterbator just whipped out his own bat and started rubbing it up with pine tar right out in the open. A video of the Bartolo Colon home run appeared to set him off at one Mets game. The Matts tried to get him some help for his yank-ee problem, but he was a lost cause. He was canned in 2013.
Ed “Grumpy Matt” Toro
Angry Ward’s mentor, Grumpy was a decent writer. But over time he just kept repeating the same old phrases that were never that funny to begin with, like “the house that greed built,” some Billy Crystal whore thing, and the tired “Stanks.” Although a few readers claimed his columns were a wonderful sleep aid, his refusal to try anything new or mildly original led to his demise. He was let go in 2010.
With any luck, I’ll be on this list soon. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, who couldn’t make this list if he tied all of MTM’s Pulitzer Prizes to his bumper and dragged them around Queens. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.