BRONX, NY – I’m gonna go ahead and admit something up front: I haven’t been following the New York Yankees too closely this season. But I’m not going to let that pesky little fact get in the way of me writing about them today. Isn’t that what most people do these days anyway? Everyone’s a f**king expert on everything. I live in the Bronx and have seen the Yankees play, so that definitely qualifies me. Let’s do this.
As I tap this out (Monday evening), the Yankees lineup for this game is as follows.
D.J. LeMahieu. Sounds like a record-spinner at a French whorehouse.
Aaron Judge. Always good to see Gigantor NOT on the injury list.
Gary Sanchez. Better than a Dirty Sanchez… but just barely.
Giancarlo Stanton. Under contract until the polar ice caps are gone.
Luke Voit. Best player named after crappy grade school gym equipment.
Gleyber Torres. There’s a lot of “G” names in this Yankee lineup. Why doesn’t Boone have some fun and bat them all in a group and call it the G-Spot. Just a thought.
Gio Urshela. Another one! Sweet G-sus! With all of these Gs, it’s easy to see why the Yankees have been G-G-G-Gagging a bit this year.
Miguel Andujar. I miss the fun player facts that used to appear on the back of Topp’s baseball cards in the ’70s. Stuff like “Gorman enjoys bass fishing” and “In his spare time, Skip eats his boogers.”
Brett Gardner. A while back, I wrote here that Gardner was done with the Yanks. Not only did he prove me wrong, he’s rubbing my nose in it by hitting almost .200. Don’t laugh, that’s GOOD for this year.
Anyway, that was the lineup. What else about Der Bombers?
Gerrit Cole. The Yankees ace is no Jacob deGrom. Right now, I’m not even sure he’s Gerrit Cole. Ever since the “sticky stuff” crackdown, he’s been fairly mediocre, yet still better than most of the other knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers they’re trotting out there these days. But, back to Cole, the Yankees better hope that this ain’t a trend, because he’s not going anywhere for a while.
Aaron Boone. What can you say about this guy? Baseball fans, he is here for our entertainment. He’s a subtle genius, with his pursed-lip thin smile delivery. You remember when he set South Bronx loins aflame with his “savages in the box” line? People, I am here to tell you that the Boone Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations well has dried the f**k up. How do I know this? Because my brother Chris (sick bastard that he is) gets his kicks watching Boone postgame pressers and then sending me the loquacious lowlights via text. Stuff like, “We had a lot of good at-bats, but just didn’t score.” And, after getting swept in Boston this past weekend, Boone offered up “We have to do better.” Not exactly Knute Rockne there, fella. Sounds like a comment on my report card from my First Grade teacher, Ms. Maas: “Ward has to do better.” Were she alive today, she would come to this site and see that, sadly, I never did.
I’ve got more Yankees material, but will save it for the 11 o’clock show. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a Yankee fan who is probably too young to remember just how cool Mickey Rivers was.