Angry Ward Wednesday: Pete Alonso, Shohei Ohtani, and How to Make the MLB All Star Game Better!

Pete Alonso, MLB, All Star Game, Tajuan Walker, Shohei Ohtani, Arte Moreno, Meet-The-Matts, Ward-Calhoun, Angry_Ward

BRONX, NY – I am writing this post a couple of hours before Tuesday night’s Major League Baseball All Star Game, which I will not be watching. [AL won 5-2] I used to LOVE the All Star Game but, in my opinion, it got ruined once they started with all the inter-league games. But who cares what I think? I DID watch the Home Run Derby Monday night. It wasn’t actually a conscious decision. I had just gotten out of a co-op shareholders Zoom meeting and was starved for food, entertainment, and alcohol. The eats and the booze were readily available and the HR Derby was just starting. No need to overthink things.

Anyway, as most already know, the Mets’ Pete Alonso ended up winning his second straight All Star jack fest (and, yes, I just wanted to write “All Star jack fest,” because I’m a child). Anyway, after watching the contest, I’m of the opinion that they should just give the damn award to Alonso as long as he wants to participate. He truly seems like the only one physically and mentally built for it… and I don’t necessarily mean that as a compliment. Pete’s got the makeup of a hyperactive construction worker. He’s a beefy, sweaty, manchild of a ballplayer, and not some chiseled, majestic athlete. He could swing for the fences all day long and it wouldn’t bother him. He could just as easily be whistling a happy tune swinging an ax in a logging camp. Meanwhile, most of the other players who made it past the first round looked as though they were doing serious physical damage to themselves. If I was Angels owner Arte Moreno, I would’ve whisked Shohei Ohtani out of Colorado last night on a private jet, before the All Star Game finishes him off.

Ohtani has turned out to be the main attraction this All Star Game. It’s a lot to live up to. MLB could take some pressure off by adding some other attractions. Here’s a few ideas.

Old-Timers All Star Game. Three innings of great AL and NL players of the past. Reggie facing Fernando, Rickey Henderson swiping bags, Randy Johnson/John Kruk Redux. Who says “no” to this?

Hot Dog Eating Contest. Why should George Shea and the Coney Island Nathan’s grab all the wiener-eating glory? There have been plenty of big leaguers with big appetites. Cecil Fielder, Pablo Sandoval, Bartolo Colon, C.C. Sabathia, David Wells, Jonathan Broxton, Fatty Fatfeller… you get the idea. Let the Big Dogs eat!

Shoot Short Matt Out of a Cannon. The All Star Game needs more carnival-like attractions. Placing a cannon at home plate and shooting our own Short Matt out of it seems like a good start. Call him The Shasky Skyrocket or something. If he makes it over the outfield wall, some lucky fan wins $100,000. If he hits the foul pole, free Taco Bell for everyone.

Swap Short Matt for Bay

Unvaccinated Pickle. Invite all of MLB’s unvaccinated players to participate in a round robin rundown-play game, where instead of avoiding being tagged, they have to avoid getting jabbed. Trust me, players getting chased by hypodermic wielding medical personnel in lab coats will pack ’em in.

The Seventh Inning Streak. In the middle of the 7th, all fans are invited to disrobe and run the bases. Sliding optional. Lot’s of “old glory” will be on display. God Bless America, indeed.

That’s it for today. Come back tomorrow for All Star Buddy Diaz, who will surely explain why the US Men’s Olympic Basketball team lost to both Nigeria and Australia.

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About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.