DENVER, CO – The Rangers are really good. The sit atop the Metropolitan Division after blanking the Sharks in San Jose 3-0 last night. Sure, Carolina is only 2 points back with 4 games in hand, buy hey, first is first… There I did it. The pinch-hit for Different Matt is complete… Now on to more pressing sports matters like; Who is going to be the new coach of the New York Giants? Some names being thrown around are Eric Bieniemy, Dave Toub, Jim Caldwell, Leslie Frazier, Brian Flores, Brian Daboll, and a long-shot Josh McDaniels.
All of these names are nearly as boring as Joe Judge. Why do we need a human coach in the first place? If we go outside the species or even the animal kingdom we have a much better option. How about IBM Chess Computer Deep Blue?
The name is already on brand. The computing power is greater than all of the aforementioned names combined. Clock management will never be an issue.
Better yet… Bring back John Madden. With all of the player profiles from the video game and all of the sound bytes over the years I am sure that a virtual John Madden would out-coach nearly all human competitors. The best part about this is that you don’t have to pay a machine!
This concept has already replaced half of the grocery store clerks in our country. It has replaced ninety percent of all bank tellers. Why can’t we replace football coaches?
Instead of firing them they can be reprogrammed. If Madden doesn’t work out then bring on the virtual Tom Landry or virtual Vince Lombardi. Just make sure that the coach doesn’t get the Gatorade bath when you win.
Why do we even play sports with human bodies anyways? It would be a lot safer if we just plugged a bunch of asian kids into the metaverse and let them control each individual player. It could even be a freemium game wherein you start as a lowly jock strap holder in the equipment room and you work your way up to starting QB.
Another option here would be to crowdsource all decisions. Before each snap all fans in the stadium vote on their phones run or pass. Zone or man. Punt or go for it. Why leave the game up to the professionals when the armchair qbs could actually impact the game?
The Rangers are really good.
Feel free to drop your pucks below and come back tomorrow for a special guest!
