NEW YORK, NY – Happy New Year. Hopefully you’ve recovered from the hours of abominable faux entertainment by last night’s lip-syncers and who-the f*ck-are-you-hosts? enough to talk a little sports today. With that, let’s get to some Sports Firsts of the New Year…
FIRST REGULAR SEASON MLB HIT
Cam James’ Cards open the MLB 2022 campaign on the road in Pittsburgh. That’s at 1:05 PM on Thursday March 21st. FIVE MINUTES LATER, the Nats and Mets start their contest at Citi Field. Looking into my Mr. Met Head Crystal Ball TM I see Paul Goldschmidt getting the first hit of the MLB season, pending a rain delay. If that’s the case, look for Washington’s first batter to line a base hit, sobering up an already-drunk Mets crowd.
FIRST NBA 3-POINTER
The Pelicans visit Milwaukee in the NBA’s Welcome To ’22 Tip-Off. Riveting. The Bucks have own five straight. NOLA has been playing well but they have too many injuries and will be freezing their basketballs off in Miluakee, so the home team wins. BUT… Devonte’Graham will hit the first “three” in NBA 2022. Bet the mortgage on it.
FIRST NFL FUMBLE
Gase gaze into my Mr. Met Head Crystal Ball TM shows a Bengal bungling the pigskin for the first turnover of 2022. This is as sure as new NYC Mayor Eric Adams enunciating a final consonant… mind your R’s Mister Mayor!!! What? Too soon? At least he’s pro-cop, people!
FIRST NHL COVID CASE
Everybody has it, so this one is a bit tricky. With the Winter Classic taking place in Angry Ward’s adopted city of Minneapolis. It’s at the Twinkees’ home park, Target Field. With that, the #COVID target du jour to catch cooties is none other than Logan Brown. – because he is 6’6″ and, therefore, has a bigger surface area for germs. It’s just science, folks… just science.
MLB FIRST INJURY
Giancarlo Stanton (tweaked hamstring doing military squats) will beat out Aaron Judge, Maxwell M. Scherzer, Jacob deGrom and George Springer to win this 2022 David Wright Injury Ward Award. Judge’s reps are suing for a recount, however, maintaining that he strained an oblique spotting Stanton during the aforementioned squat session.
And there you have it…. Feel free to comment below and come back tomorrow for a man that lights his co-workers farts on fire, Grinding Ax Walt.