NEW YORK, NY – Today is Ash Wednesday, which means you can all start lining up to kiss my ash. For the next 40+ days we get to hear Short Matt bellyache/humblebrag about how he’s once again given up booze for Lent. Are we all getting a little tired of it? Absolutely. Two-plus years of pandemic is bound to wear one’s patience a tad thin. For instance, if you’re at all adept at “reading the room,” now isn’t exactly the best time to start a war and think people are going to be cool with it. Are you facking kidding me, Guy? Someone needs to tell Barney Ruble that people simply don’t have the bandwidth for his little Soviet Union reunion tour. We didn’t even want The Eagles reunion tour, fer crissakes!
Another not-so-great look is baseball’s billionaires arguing with its multimillionaires over money. As I write this, they are still negotiating. Even if they manage to work things out (THEY DIDN’T), are we all supposed to forget what a bunch of selfish a$$holes they are… especially the owners? Why should we continue to support their business? Are we doing it just out of habit at this point? I walked away from my Giants football tickets several years back, and it turned out to be one of the best financial decisions I’ve ever made. If Major League Baseball happens this year, they’re going to have to woo me back. Here are a few helpful ideas to that end.
Cheap Seats. Enough already with the ridiculous ticket costs. Aren’t you guys making enough emptying peoples’ pockets out on parking and concessions? I’m actually shocked that the restrooms are still free. Why not go full Spirit Airlines and charge people for ketchup, mustard, and napkins? Instead, how about blocking out some $10-$15 ticket options for every game? Give families a fighting chance. Otherwise, I’ll just continue to count on my brother for the occasional ticket or wait out the five-year storm that is this site’s management coming up with a freebie.
Mets Hire Derek Jeter. I’m no big Derek Jeter fan, but now that he’s severed relations and ownership stake in that belly-up bloated manatee that is the Miami Marlins, the Mets should seriously consider bringing him into the fold. It’s not that I think he’ll be a great asset to the team, it’s just that I think it would make Yankees fans’ heads explode. As my brother reminded me the other day, Jeter’s relationship with the Yankees post-George Steinbrenner hasn’t exactly been terrific. What better way to stick it to your old team than by taking up with their crosstown counterparts? As an added bonus, give Jeter a small stake in the team so he can have what his buddy A-Rod wanted, but failed to get.
Local Business Partnerships. It would be nice to see MLB give a little something back to the cities they play in, as well as their outlying communities. For instance, how about after every Yankees loss fans get to go to their local wine shop, like CorkMaster Wines & Spirits (conveniently located at 5650 Mosholu Avenue in the Bronx), and get 50% off their favorite bottle of wine? Or maybe even a free bottle, the stuff that not even people in North Riverdale would touch, from the clearance bin? Yessir, I like this idea. When Liza starts singing “New York, New York,” it’s time to dry your eyes and whet your whistle, on the cheap. A team like the Yankees should have no problem subsidizing such a program. You know how much they’re making on lousy cotton candy and miniature wooden bats, fer cryin’ out loud?
Rob Manfred Dunk Tank. Outfit the Commish in one of those old-timey one-piece swimsuits and send him on a summer-long tour of every big league ballpark, minor league ones too (why not?), and give fans of all ages a chance to send him plunging into one of those filthy carnival dunk tanks. It’s the least he can do for a fanbase that needs a rage outlet.
Okay, that’s all for me today. Come back tomorrow for Paul O’Neill’s biggest fan, Buddy Diaz.