NEW YORK, NY– Now that the Major League Baseball lockout is over, there is only one truly despicable news story dominating the headlines: Vladmir Putin’s maniacal quest to conquer. The Ukraine-related bulletins have a pit in my stomach 24/7, with a sense of worry that our very lives are in the hands of a modern day Napoleon and a US President that is in inarguable decline. Keeping this to sports commentary, though, here are some thoughts on the new MLB Collective Bargaining Agreement.
Unconscionable Timing
To think that instead of having Spring Training and America’s pastime to give us momentary respites from the realities of decent people being slaughtered by a crazy conqueror, and thoughts of nuclear Armageddon, we were force-fed whining clips of Rob Manfred, Gerrit Cole and 43 Mil Max. That’s $43,000,000.00 per season, Ladies & Germs, for Max Scherzer… Images of dead bodies and shattered cities were juxtaposed against MLB players condemning owners and vice-versa. This was all mostly over divvying up generational wealth. It was petty, greed-fueled and… despicable. The fact that we’ll tune in or even go to games makes us all compliant. Compliant $uckers.
Bigger Bases
How many more bases would Rickey Henderson have stolen with bigger bases? How many batting averages would be higher – or lower – with bigger bases? Here’s an idea: Stop messing with the metrics in which we historically compare performances in a stat-driven sport.
Pitch Clocks
As a pitcher that throws the next pitch as soon as the ball comes back in effort to dictate the game’s flow and keep the hitter from thinking, this one is striking… if you will. How will it work, exactly? If I’m on the mound, I quick-pitch until the very amateur hitters in our league adjust. That’s about the third inning. I’ll then slow it down slightly, getting them antsy in the box. [Ahem]. After that, if I’m not on the bench after getting shellacked, yours graciously will alternate between quick-pitching and doing a Steve Trachsel – who was the human rain delay. That is a last resort, though, as pitching quickly is better – and preferred by your teammates in the field. All of this is now proposed to happen as per a shot clock. Hmm… Some implementation issues/questions immediately pop up:
–Will there be a horn?
-Will there be a Pitch Clock Umpire/Committee to decide if the shot pitch got off in time?
-Will there be a pitch shot clock on our TV screens?
-What about radio? How will we know how much time Edwin Diaz has to lob a meatball if we’re just listening?!
-Is the Pitch Clock sponsor deal already in place, you whores?
–Will that horn go off mid-windup or worse, as the ball is headed to the plate?
–Will the batter have the option of hitting a pitch thrown after the horn and deciding whether to keep the result, like in cricket?
–When a batter steps out, does the pitch-clock get reset? If not, I’d keep stepping out of the box.
–How much time will a pitch-clock save per game, vs losing the charm of baseball’s timelessness?
Universal DH
Well there goes half of what made the All-Star Game somewhat important. It also eliminates gamesmanship, strategizing and difficult pitching decisions. Moreover, it vanquishes any shot at future gloriously unforgettable moments like Bartolo Colon’s home run. Let’s get a show of hands of those that would pay to see Big Bart go yard over a now destined-to-not-to-play-1B, Pete Alonso hit one of 37 taters. While we are voting, here’s a simple solution these Major League A$$holes should implement: Have National League fans vote on the DH. Oh wait… the fans don’t matter to you!
Well, you matter to us here in Mattville, so please leave your comments below and come back tomorrow for Sasquatch or Grinding Ax Walt, neither of whom have been seen in weeks.
Oh, and here’s more on what you’ll never see again, thanks to the likes of every Yankees fan since Ron Blomberg.
P.s… Tomorrow at 3pm on www.TheRugbyNetwork.com you can hear yours humbly call Rugby New York vs the San Diego Legion. In the meantime, check out this week’s Rugby Wrap Up.
Here’s a 1-minute teaser:
