Angry Ward Wednesday: Bogut Breaks, Bambi Steaks, Tank Time for Jets and Lakes

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BRONX, NY – I was watching “All the President’s Men” on Sunday night, because I wanted to remind myself of a simpler time when jagoff, crooked politicians were held accountable by somewhat competent journalists and informants named after porn movies. Then, on Monday night, I watched the Tom Hanks ’80s classic, “The Money Pit.” You put those two movies together and you kinda have our current political situation. Anyway, I don’t really have any one thing to discuss this week so, if you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna do a little cranial spring cleaning.

Bogut Check. On Monday night, Aussie big man Andrew Bogut brought his talents to LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers, and promptly broke his leg in under a minute. Now, I never root for anyone to get injured, I’ll leave that kinda crap to Philly fans, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being slightly amused. I mean, he didn’t even play a minute! C’mon, that’s kinda funny. Anyway, he’s a former Golden State Warrior, and a decent player when healthy, but I’m no big fan of his off-court views. I’ll leave it at that. I’m sure the Cavs will recover from losing this beloved teammate that they never quite knew.

Arby’s: We’ve Got the Meats! When you think of fine dining in Manhattan you of course think Arby’s. Anyone whose slogan is “We’ve Got the Meats” has for sure got some vittles for the discerning palate. And a few days ago they unveiled their piece de resistance, in the form of a venison sandwich. For those of you not familiar, it’s basically Bambi on a Bun. Now I’ve consumed my share of Arby’s Beef n’ Cheddar sandwiches in my life, but I’m no eating daredevil. There was no way I was digging into Rudolph at a fast food joint. But many did! It apparently sold out fairly quickly at various locations. Grab one while you can! Then wash it down with the abomination known as a Shamrock Shake. (I almost just threw up thinking about that combo.)

Jets and Lakers in the Tank.  If I held season tickets to either the New York Jets or Los Angeles Lakers, I would be seriously thinking about suing those supposed franchises to get my money back. The Lakers traded away their leading scorer and are pretty much doing everything in their power to ensure that they remain dead last in the West with the second-worst record (thanks, Nets!) in the NBA. How bad are they? Apparently they are so awful that Jack Nicholson has decided to come out of retirement and start acting again, rather than sit bored, court-side and wait for death. As for the Jets, they, of course, are gonna suck again. But by letting virtually every name player they have go (Mangold, Revis, Marshall, to name just a few), they are raising the white flag early on the 2017 season. It just doesn’t get any better for a Jet hater like me. Although it could get a little better, if they end up bringing in Jay Cutler, inventor of Resting B!tch Face, to be their starting QB. That would be awesome.

I’m gonna wind it up here. Though I’d like to remind the real journalists out there, like DJ Eberle and Junoir Blaber, to not get distracted away from the Trump/Russia story, make like Woodward and Bernstein, and “follow the money.” Those tax returns are gonna tell a whopper of a story. And it’s probably not how much our Prez has invested in Russia, but how much Russia has invested in him.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who’s already invested plenty of time and effort into writing for this site. Poor sap. That’s it for this week. Come back manana for Buddy Diaz, a guy who’s seen his share of Spring Training Bras. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward@MeetTheMattsInstagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • TheDeerHunter
  • benwhit

    This was well constructed and flows nicely.

    Also, there is a problem with deer overpopulation. Arby’s – solving one problem at a time.

    • AngryWard

      Apparently, Arby’s is working on their own Health Care Bill. It involves butchering Mitch McConnell, Horsey Sauce, and lotsa curly fries. Let’s give it a chance, people.

      • People eat deer, guys. Stop hugging their hooves. By the way, what do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer. [Let it sit].

        • Fluffy

          What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eyed deer. [If you need to let it sit, I fear for you]

  • GrindingAx

    Ward,
    There have already been various reports of Arby’s customers with Lyme’s. Additionally, there has been an uptick of pedestrians hurling themselves in front of vehicles outside Arby’s restaurants.

    Someone should have told Bogut that
    “Break a Leg” is just an expression of speach.

    • AngryWard

      Hahaha! Great stuff, Walt.

    • After eating at Arby’s, we found ourselves mesmerized by headlights. And “break a leg” is for dancers and actors, not dunkers.

      • GrindingAx

        Actually, the idiom is for actors and musicians, if you want to get technical. YOU, of all people should know that you do not say this to dancers or basketball players, as evidenced with Bogut.

  • Dude

    knick ticket holders should boycott until the team also joins the tanking brigade. why are you trying to win any games right now. its over, lose em all dum dums…

    • Dude, where is your integrity?! Besides, LA beat them to the punch.

      • Dude

        what is this integrity you speak of?

  • AngryWard

    Wow, Giants signed Brandon Marshall to a 2-year deal. Now if they can only protect Eli.

    • Dude

      i’m sure they’ll go five rounds of picks before even considering an o lineman.

      • Call us crazy but we see the Jints finally going after some studs on the line. You’ve got 2-3 years tops left in Eli to win it all. Marshall is nuttier than a fruitcake, for sure, but he’s an upgrade from Cruz and will command defenders.

        • Dude

          eli does well have a 6’3″ target at his disposa, especially if that target can avoid carrying firearms in public… i hope you are right about the o line. a. big target and more then a three step drop before he has to unload would do wonders for manning

  • jgclancy

    As towards Andrew Bogut—-sad yet funny at the same time. I’ll just nickname him Karma S. after my favorite dead horse………Karma Shield…..

  • Buddy Diaz

    It’s seems like the Jets are rebuilding every two years! They suck and it all starts with Management. I’m an Eagles fan and I feel sorry for them.

    • AngryWard

      Don’t ever feel sorry for the Jets, Buddy.

  • Junoir Blaber

    Why would you hate on the Jets? That’s like hating the disabled!!

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