ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: MEET THE PATS

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May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May Jose Reyes greet you warmly as he limps past you.
May Carlos Beltran’s mole offer you shade from the sun.
And, until we meet again,
May the Mets not raise their beer prices.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone.

DONEGAL, IRELAND – Now that we’ve gotten the prelimiaries out of the way, let’s take a look at some noteworthy personalities who share the Pat moniker:

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Patrick Roy: A helluva goalie, but beyond that I really never cared for this guy. Something about his face. It always looked like he just got stuck with an unusually large check in some awful establishment like The Olive Garden. Anyway, enough about him. I’ll use the

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rest of this space to say that Bubble Hockey is my all-time favorite arcade game. If I ever have the living space (insert gales of laughter here) I don’t want a pool table or Foosball or even an orgasmatron. I want a Bubble Hockey game. The one time I visited Miller Park in Milwaukee, my friends and I stumbled upon a Bubble Hockey game on the field level concourse. Wonder if it’s still there. Walt?

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Patrick Rafter: This former Aussie tennis star won two U.S. Open Men’s Singles titles and always proved a tough out at the other majors. In 1999 he was the #1 ranked men’s tennis player in the world. But all of that stuff takes a back seat to one aspect of his personal life. There are rumors that Pat once had a scorching 5-set romance with MeetTheMatts‘ own Cookie. She’s denied any off-court shenanigans, but we have our doubts.

Pat Priest: How about that Marilyn Munster? Pat Priest (can you get a more Irish-Catholic name than that?) was actually the second Marilyn. She was Lou Gehrig to Beverley Owens’ Wally Pipp. Owens quit the show after 13 episodes and Priest played Marilyn from there on out. While she may not exactly be connected to sports directly, there’s no denying that Marilyn’s Uncle Herman was an incredible athlete. Who can forget his prowess on the basketball court, the baseball field, as well as the havoc he wreaked on the golf course. Also, did you know, Pat Priest’s mom, Ivy Baker Priest, was U.S. Treasurer from 1953-1961? The things you learn on Wikipedia.

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Pat Zachry: Just mentioning the name makes Mets fans break out in a (Cincinnati) Red rash. Zach was supposedly the big part of the deal that sent Tom Seaver to Cincy. Though he did manage to post three seasons with sorta winning records, he was nothing more than a cheap Chinatown knock-off of Tom Terrific. But, hey, at lease the Reds were nice enough to throw in the entertaining trio of Steve Henderson, Dan Norman, and Dougie Flynn.

Pat Nixon: Taught her husband Tricky Dick everything he knew about picking up the 7-10 split.

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Pat Haden: This current NBC college football analyst for NBC, once played quarterback for a USC team that won two National titles. He was also a Rhodes Scholar, before eventually becoming the starting signal caller for the Los Angeles Rams where he gained great noteriety for his inability to beat the Minnesota Vikings. He finally overcame this stigma in 1978 only to see his team get trounced by Dallas in the NFC title game. In 1979 he got injured and watched Vince Ferragamo lead the Rams to their first Super Bowl. Despite popular belief, New York’s Hayden Planetarium is not named after him. In fact they aren’t even spelled the same.

Pat Summitt: Ms. Summitt is head coach of the 8-time National Champion Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team. On top of this, she’s the winningest basketball coach in the history of the NCAA (that includes the men). Yours truly once spotted her having breakfast with her team in a hotel restaurant in Knoxville. The woman commanded attention. You got the impression that if she asked someone to pass the maple syrup her entire team would have simultaneously dived across the table for the Mrs. Butterworth like it was a loose ball in the final seconds of a tie game. (Take that feminist critics!)

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Pat Cummings: One of the Top 10 Ugliest NBA Players Of All Time. That’s an accomplishment of sorts.

Patti Lupone: The all-time RBI leader in the history of the Broadway Show Softball league. In fact, the year she won the Tony for her work in Evita she also equaled Hack Wilson’s single-season mark of 191 RBI. She did this while performing two shows a day and also playing on an ankle she sprained tripping over Mandy Patinkin.

And last but not least…

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Padraig Harrington: Ireland’s favorite son has won two British Opens (How you like them apples Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson?) as well as the 2008 PGA Championship and countless other wins on the European tour, whatever that is. Have a pint on MTM Paddy. I’m sure we’re good for it.

Honorable Mentions: Pat Cooper, Patrick Swayze, Pat Williams, Pat LaFontaine, Patrick Henry, Patty Hearst, Paddy Chayefsky, Pat Dobson, and Astoria’s own Patti Sullivan (wherever you are).

Well… “P-P-P-P Pat’s All Folks!” See you next week with a report from Spring Training. Look for new MTM Family Member Jillian Brooks’ debut column, tomorrow.

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    Amateurs end up like this. Don’t be an amateur today.
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About Angry Ward 627 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.