Cardinals QB Matt Leinart funnels his focus.

By Rex O’Rourke

AMHERST, MA – So, I did a silly thing this weekend and visited my nephew at college. Pretty sad really; you know the drill. Middle-aged man partying with 22-year-olds, pathetic, yet fun. I did a little shilling for the site, passing out MTM cards to all the Sawx fans. He and his friends were great fun and I really enjoyed myself, but of course as a dedicated fake journalist, I was taking notes the whole time, with the NCAA Tourney a constant backdrop.

Naturally, there was quite a bit of boozing going on. He and his cronies are on cruise control towards graduation in May. Now I drank my share in college (actually my share, your share, and your Cousin Larry’s share) so I felt I could keep up. Still though, I can’t do it like I used to and generally don’t want to. I was amazed at the number of drinking games these kids incorporate into the couple of hours (they call it pregame) before going out to the bars.

    The MeetTheMatts Beer Pong Girls

First on the program , obviously, came Beer Pong, which is way after my time and a little boring, I thought. They, of course, had a Funnel and an over engineered Eight-Way Funnel that was actually held together by mold, basically a germ riddled octopus. They played a game called Pyramid with a deck of cards which was similar to Crazy Eights and they seemed to enjoy ganging up on my nephew during this one.


I decided if I was going to participate in any of the shenanigans I was going to have to play to my strength, which is Mexico (liar’s dice), but alas, no dice… could be located. Another old favorite, Bizz-Buzz, was suggested and summarily shot down. Fortunately for me, this particular group of knuckleheads didn’t play Quarters, which I always found tougher than a five-dollar steak.

They did, however, play a game called Power Hour which is another modern invention totally beyond my technical skills, where through an Ipod program, the song changes every 60 seconds. Naturally, you do a shot of beer every time the song changes and if you want you can try for the Century Club (100 minutes) which is considered rarified air. I couldn’t imagine, back in my time, trying to put a new album on the turntable every minute! And who had 60 albums?

    Abercrombie Drinking Team

Now, before any parents out there have a heart attack, not all the young men and women were playing the games, and they really seemed to handle things very well. It all seemed quite manageable for them. No bodily fluids flying about, no fights, no crying – really just business as usual among a terrific bunch of kids, most of whom had been to the gym that day, got good grades, didn’t smoke, have tattoos, or do drugs, and looked like something straight out of an Abercrombie ad.

I was merely a twig on the banks of a mighty river, just trying to go with the flow and stay out of harm’s way, but let’s face it, at some point I was going to have to make my move and show these kids I could still throw down with the big boys when needed. My nephew talked me into doing a Keg Stand (hand stand on top of the keg drinking directly from the tap) and as it was late in my final night in town I said to myself, “Self, time to come up big. Think Rodney Dangerfield in Back To School.”

I was already a minor celebrity at this bonfire – since I was the only one over 22 – so I thought, ‘OK, I’ll seal the legend right here’, and proceeded to, you guessed it, kill the keg. I emerged from my handstand to a “Frank the Tank” chant some forty strong. For a brief moment I was young again. Validation through drinking, legend intact!

Just one question, “Can I go home now?”

West Coast Craig, tomorrow.
Until next week,

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