MADISON AVE, NY – In lieu of Angry Ward’s fantastic musical timepiece yesterday, and with particular focus on the athletes that led to some of the best jokes in that article, I give you, Thursday’s post:
- Guidelines for a Press Conference Apology:
NUMBER ONE:
Admit that something YOU did was wrong. Admitting the issue is the first step to recovery, or something to that effect, right? So, why bother slapping on that suit and greasing back your hair like a used car salesmen (Roethlisberger), if you’re just going to avoid the issue.
Example: I realize that I may have offended car salesmen across the world by comparing them to Ben Roethlisberger. That was low of me. Shame.
Big Ben must be guilty; no hair gel.
NUMBER TWO:
Actually apologize. Again, no sense in dragging News Center 5 out to listen to you talk about how this season will be different. We’re all listening for the big “I’m Sorry†moment; give it to us! That way we can go back to watching that train-wreck Kate Gosselin dance with stars. Maybe, that’s just me (…and The Matts).
Example: I’m sorry for making that last line specifically about my issue with the Roethlisberger apology and it cutting into the time I set aside to watch my DVR-ed programs. I just really miss Kate Gosselin’s backwards mullet (that’s business in the back, whatever that was in the front). I am truly sorry.
NUMBER THREE:
If you do decided to admit you were wrong, please don’t continuously overstate the issue. That makes it seem like you don’t really think that you did something wrong, and instead you’re just apologizing to appease your boss.
Example: One word. Practice.
NUMBER FOUR:
You can show some emotion. We all understand that an apology should be somber, however some sentiment even moderate in nature, can do wonders. It doesn’t have to be an Obama State of the Union type show, a public apology is not a Def Comedy Jam moment, but give the audience something to believe in (Angry Ward – cue the Poison lyrics).
Example: The Robot Tiger Pledge of Alliance.
NUMBER FIVE:
While we’re working with emotion; it’s okay to get upset, let it out, cry a bit on camera. All good things to ham up whether you mean it or not. But never, ever, cry into the microphone. That is a heinous sound. Watching someone cry is bad enough. No one is attractive when sobbing and you can’t change that. So of course, adding sounds and then amplifying is unacceptable.
Example: Tonya “I used to figure skate but now I cage fight†Harding.
Celebrity Athletes around the world, if you mess up, it’s okay! The public doesn’t need much to take you back, but a heartfelt apology and less Ed Hardy shirts would be nice.
Cookie’s Corner, tomorrow.
Elin & Tiger wish to thank Ari Fleischer for all his
wise and timely advice.
