ATLANTA, GA – Every year, in the weeks leading up to Opening Day, we all get distracted by the woefully captivating college hoops tourney – The Final Four. Even the President stops what he is doing to fill out a March Madness bracket. How many of our tax dollars are in office pools right now? Anyway, everyone has their own way of picking brackets; I try a logical approach. I analyze why a subset of teams have a chance of advancing and year after year, I end up losing to some yahoo that happened to go to the Cinderella School he chose to go to the Elite Eight or Final Four.
So this year, I am giving up on the conventional in favor of the carnal for my bracket choices. It makes sense that no matter what school you’re talking about, the men’s basketball team has the pick of the litter… when it comes to the women. And the school with the hottest and hardest working women will be able to keep their team the happiest. If the players are performing hot fast and loose off the court they are more likely to perform hot fast and loose on the court.
With that, I give you my Final Four Whores:
Miami: Okay, people… this is a no-brainer. For those of you that haven’t been to Miami, go now. It isn’t even about what is on campus. It’s Miami. The university has already proven that it will provide what the players want. If you can’t get happy at Miami, then you are most likely not human. This is why Miami is my pick for the National Title. Besides the point guard is Barry Larkin’s son. That kid can have whatever he wants, where ever he is. Place that talent in the sin bin of Miami and boom you got yourself a championship. Just like Butch Davis.
Arizona: The hotter it gets the hotter these ladies get. When I meet a chick from Flagstaff, I am at half-staff… no questions asked. In Tucson, it is on. They haven’t had the talent on the court as much in the past few years but I think their talent off the court is going to propel them to great things.
Oregon: This one I wasn’t so sure on until my buddy showed me what was going on up there in the Pacific Northwest. My theory is that all these flower girls are being raised in communes and when they turn 18, they are released into the wild and their only job is to spread peace, love and the clap.
San Diego State: SDSU can thank UCLA for taking all of the really smart Asian girls out of the picture. What is left over at this institution of Higher Loining? The finest, tannest, party animals in all the southwest. Throw in the fact that you are within miles of the Mexican border. And even the players that like really weird stuff will be happy to play ball(s) here.
One and Don’t call me again:
Montana: In a state where caribou out-number people and the caribou have a smaller waistline. Well, you get it.
Sweet 16 I’m crossing creepy line here:
Villanova: This team is good but the talent isn’t quite ready yet.
Come back tomorrow for something more tasteful with Different Matt.