REDNECK RIVIERA – It’s that time of year again; late March when half the country is starting to feel like summer and the other half is so sick of spending yet another day in the cold that they’ll travel to the former half just for a small taste. Out here in sunny L.A., it was a gorgeous weekend in the 70s, while the US Men’s National Team played Costa Rica on Saturday night in a driving blizzard in Denver, covering the field in at least half a foot of snow. They gamely played on (and the three points Team USA got suddenly puts them atop the table heading down to Mexico tomorrow for what should be a very rough match with a lot of pee-bags and other hazardous waste flying from stands of Estadio Azteca). I will play on as well, and turn my attention to the more traditional Spring Break destination this week, America’s wang: Florida.
Now, I’m not too smart and I’m a degenerate gambler, which are two things that don’t go very well together…but I am smart enough to know better than to drop dough on any of this March Madness madness.
Some might say ignorance is just as much a blessing as a curse – look at all the upsets this year – but I know I have a better chance of becoming a corn-rolled James Franco, showing off my collection of many-colored shorts and touting the American Dream, than I have at guessing any of these winners.
Florida Gulf Coast University was founded way back in 1991, so only recently have they passed the important milestone of graduating kids younger than the school itself. To me, the name conjures up images of the Redneck Riviera, but it’s actually down in Fort Myers, a God’s-Waiting-Room community, just down “the 75” – wait, sorry, that’s the Angelino in me – I mean just down I-75 from Gainesville and Florida, their opponent in the Sweet Sixteen, and definitely a target audience for the actual Redneck Riviera.
In the Grapefruit League, the Yanks are now definitely looking at starting the season without their Captain, so they’re on the verge of replacing him with…Vernon Wells? “I know when he was in our division, he was a very good player,” said Joe Girardi, reading off his scouting report from 2006, “a very good player.” So now Cashman has his right-handed outfield/DH platoon partner for Travis Hafner, this year’s Andruw Jones and Raul Ibanez. And here I was thinking that nobody could make me miss Jones… Can’t bode well when the Angels, who admittedly are stacked in the outfield, are willing to eat much of the $42 million he’s still promised over the next two years. That’s what the Yankees are usually doing. In that sense it actually does kinda make it a pretty good deal for the Yanks. The original deal was seven years, $126 million and he now can’t even crack their fifth outfield spot! Will those giant contracts soon be deflated like so many steroid-less muscles in today’s game?
Over in Orlando, the weather was not permitting in the Arnold Palmer Invitational, keeping Tiger Woods waiting a little longer to hang on for another tour victory. In honor of the host, the rain came down half ice tea and half lemonade.
Grote2DMax, who likes his lemonade tarty – like his women – tomorrow.