YOUR LOCAL CINEPLEX -Like the NBA, the summer blockbuster movie season seems to begin earlier and earlier each year, with next weekend seeing it officially open with Iron Man 3, one of a handful of flicks coming in the next few months that have a crooked number following the title. We’ll see Zombies, Super Heroes, Cops, Big Robots, Monsters, Cowboys, Indians and the Apocalypse…and that’s just in the world of sports. To help you out, here’s a scorecard to keep them all straight:
WORLD WAR GEE: The Mets pitcher (who turned 27 yesterday!) stars as a CGI zombie who works very fast, often using his own teammates to pile on each other trying to scale walls to bring back the home run balls he’s letting up.
KICK ASTROS 2: New league, same doormat (if only they had an actual Hit Girl).
THIS COULD BE THE END: A stoner apocalypse comedy about the 2013 Los Angeles Lakers who, if Kobe Bryant can’t make it back, may not be a playoff contender again for quite awhile.
WHITE HORSE DOWN: Lots of ponies still in contention for next week’s Kentucky Derby, but not one gray?
THE HANGOVER PART IIII: A four game sweep at the Yankee Stadium leaves the pre-season favorite Toronto Blue Jays–who led in each game but couldn’t hold any of them–struggling to piece together what exactly happened over the weekend.
THE ALONE RANGER: With the rest of his teammates gunned down, Henrik Lundqvist dons a mask and is joined by a Native American shaman (played by Swedish born Carl Hagelin, the whitest person in hockey) to try and get a first round upset over the Capitals.
FAST AND CURIOUS 6: Perennial doormats the Pirates and Royals, and expected doormats the Red Sox, Yankees, A’s and Colorado Rockies, all get off to solid starts this season. Plot isn’t going to be too important with this one, as long as we get to watch as at least half of them crash and burn before long.
MAN OF STEELER: Hopefully for Pittsburgh fans, Jarvis Jones is a super outside pass rusher.
THE HEAT: Melissa McCarthy plays all three of Miami’s Big Three…at the same time. She’s athletically gifted enough to sweep the Milwaukee Bucks by herself.
ELI-SIUM: Eli Manning stars as a surface dweller looking to get up to the fabricated paradise in the sky…box, since it’s going to be a very cold Super Bowl at the Meadowlands this coming season.
PACIFIC GRIM: For a combined $400 plus million spent, the Dodgers and Angels have started off a combined 21-27. Studio execs are blaming the marketing department (though, if they were to join together in enormous robot outfits to fight giant monsters, I’m all for it).
IRON FAN 3: Angry Ward’s MTM Wednesday streak is about to start at one and counting.
Special shout out to today’s regular contributor, DJ Eberle, we’re sorry for your troubles.
Blockbuster impresario Grote2DMax is opening wide tomorrow.