Sexy NFL Picks? Summer BBQs & unbearable Jim Harbaugh

I am such a douche bag. Just look at the outrage on my Rochester-like sharp face!
I am such a douche. Just look at the outrage on my Rochester face!

NEW YORK, NY – Much like flags being thrown on every single kick return in the NFL for an illegal block in the back, predictions for the upcoming NFL season are ubiquitous. Everyone’s an expert. Even more annoying though are the annual anointing of the “sexy,” or “fashionable” picks to win it all.

For 3 years now, the 49ers have been the popular choice. What with their overrated defense, the douchiest coach in the league and the high minded Northern California, born to the manner sense of entitlement, the Niners are the team most often mentioned by whipped, emasculated, non-confrontational fake football fans who hate FSA at late Summer barbeques. The Niners were exposed-twice-by the New York Giants the past couple of years. In fact, speaking of being emasculated, that is exactly what the Giants did to them last season. At their house.

The Niners, by the way, have played 1 road game in a cold weather city in either November or December over the past 5 years.  The NFL seems to favor them. They seem to get 12 home games a year, and their road games in December seem to always be at frigid ice boxes like Phoenix, Miami, or San Diego.  Congrats, Niners. You are now officially more contemptible than even the old Hitler standbys like Philly and Dallas. I’m referring of course to the idea that if Hitler somehow was granted an NFL franchise, (hey, the offspring of notorious anti-semite & Nazi sympathizer Henry Ford got the Lions),  I would sooner root for them than the Cowboys. 

I rooted for the Ravens in last year’s Super Bowl based exclusively on my belief that brother John was ever so slightly less of a douche bag than Jim.  Our guy Jim inherited a team loaded with former top 10 draft picks, and in spite of still never having won anything at any level in any capacity-is deified.  Jim Harbaugh is just one of those guys you can look at and want to smash in the face. Back in the day while Short Matt and I were trolling at SUNY Buffalo – where we called good-looking girls what they were-… visitors – we could always pick out the guys who were from nearby Rochester. They had a “devil” look to them. Flocked-up eyebrows and too-sharp features that screamed “Hey look at me, I’m a freak!”  Unlike when Billy Beane spoke of “the face” in Moneyball; guys who look like ballplayers with symmetrical features and classic looks, Harbaugh and the guys from Rochester? You just want to bash them in the teeth.

Other “sexy” picks being bandied about around backyards all over the North Shore of Long Island?

I just looove that Kaepernicky guy!
I just looove that Kaepernicky guy!

The Atlanta Falcons, who have won 1 playoff game under the current regime. This year will be different? Why’s that?

The Philadelphia Eagles. Former Oregon Coach Chip Kelly brings his high powered perpetual motion offense to the NFL and the Eagles will race out to an 11-5 mark?  Is Steve Spurrier coaching these days in Columbia, South Carolina? How’d that work out for Dan Snyder in DC? Chip will be on the sidelines in College Park next season.

The Denver Broncos. Cookie’s Corner’s QB, Peyton Manning, is old. They have no running game. Von Miller is suspended, and half the team-including coaches-are in rehab or a holding cell. Not so magical. Mr. Ed has done a nice job of assembling a good team, but Tim Tebow has more playoff wins that Manning as a Bronco.

I don’t make “sexy” picks, or popular ones for that matter.  But no one-I mean no one-comes into my house, and beats me at Words with Friends!

The New York Football Giants will go 13-3. Explosive offense should offset the fact that Justin Tuck hasn’t played with emotion since 2008 and Chris Snee peaked when Tom Coughlin’s first grandchild was born.

Been mailing it in for a while now
Been Mailing it in for a while now

The Dallas Cowboys will go 8-8 because Jason Garrett is exactly like one of those barbeque guys who rolls around in his own mediocrity.

The Detroit Lions will go 5-11. Their coach came in 2nd for biggest looking douchbag face and he can’t coach or stop Ndamhakin Suh from stepping on guys’ throats.

The J-E-T-S  will go 1-15.  They have 3 NFL caliber players.

The Denver Broncos will go 9-7. Sorry, Peyton. No trip to NJ in Feb for you.

The Washington Redskins will go 7-9 because Shanahan is an awful coach and he will lose his job at the end of the season.

The New England Patriots will go 12—4 and Aaron Hernandez will be found guilty of capital murder.

The MetLife Super Bowl will feature the host New York Giants and the AFC Champion Houston Texans.

Don't expect me next year
Don’t expect me in Queens

On another topic… the Wilpons are privately celebrating their “good fortune.”  Once again Met fans will watch from afar this winter while other teams actually try to improve. The rebuilding continues, and the lies keep piling up. The Wilpons STILL have $900M in debt. Having Bay and Santana coming off the payroll books will not make a tiny dent towards that number. No spending this off-season. No spending ever.

Speaking of economic efficiency, Angry Ward tomorrow.


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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake