SPORTS LIES: Sandy Alderson Is Pinocchio, I’m Ron Burgundy, Knicks Fix For Coke

Today’s Sports Lies column is co-written by Jackson D. Sternberg – who is 12,  with Fake Sandy Alderson.

Cutler's found happiness. Hello Happiness.
Cutler’s found happiness. Hello Happiness.

The Three Biggest Lies in the world?
The check is in the Mail.”
I promise not to” …well, you know.
“We haven’t completely ruled out signing a big-ticket free agent this off-season.”

While The first two are fairly self-explanatory, the third biggest lie has replaced the Previous #3 on this list:
”The Madoff scandal will not have any material impact on my ability to run this franchise.”
Those  quotes are from the one and only Sandy “The Unaccountable” Alderson, and though I’m certain my ramblings are a broken record for most of you, my  self-important narcissistic tendencies leave me believing that it is my mission in life – no, my obligation – to call out this guy repeatedly, until he’s run out of town.

The Sandy Alderson Regime enters Year #4 this winter. Year #4 in a “rebuilding” process to which they’ve never admitted undertaking.  And Year #4 without anything about which to be optimistic. The pitching inspires some optimism, but the team remains hopelessly bereft of quality or prospective quality bats. So, when he now proclaims – with his usual air of arrogance and disconnect – that he “hasn’t ruled out signing a big-ticket free agent,” – he has got to be absolutely kidding me.

Big Ticket!

Year #4 and still no plan to spend even modestly?

With apologies to Ron Burgundy, it’s time for Sandy to go back to his home on Whore Island. As Alec Baldwin once famously shouted: ”Hit the bricks,” and “Get them to sign the line which is dotted!” I suggest that he “don’t come around here no more,” as Tom Petty used to bellow. Finally, as the Blues Brothers insisted, “You don’t have to go home, but you cant stay here.  Sandy may want to lay low for a while; find a safe house or something. He’s probably wanted for murder.

Okay… Let’s change gears.

Blue Heaven? Not so much. At least not until Tar Heel Basketball gets started. The Giants have been abysmal.  Forget the 11 turnovers over the first two games. The single biggest problem with this team right now is that their offensive line appears to be the worst run-blocking unit ever assembled. They spent their 1st round pick on Justin Pugh, who looks like he’s going about 6’3, 235 or so. With David “Meet The Old” Baas and Chris Snee, there’s not a inch of a push from the o-line, so the running game is DOA – no matter who’s back there.

So the Knicks of the early 80s were fixing games to satisfy debts to their coke dealers?  This makes no sense. As a high school kid, I used to sit in the old blue seats for $5.00 by showing my G.O. card at the box office.  My buddies and I would marvel at the leadership qualities and decision-making skills of that MENSA back-court of Micheal Ray Richardson and Ray Williams. Sure, Campy Russell would shoot once he sniffed the arena, but sadly he must have been sniffing other stuff as well. Anyway, they had me fooled.  No wonder Louis Orr was so skinny.  

Lastly, I want to formally thank my buddy, Fake Jerry Reese for filling in for me last week. Unfortunately, FJR looks even dumber today than last week,  so I’ve turned to my trusty sidekick – Fake Sandy’s Son – to help me out with a new feature I like to call: I’m Impressed Bro,  in which Jackson D. Sternberg gives us his the people who impressed him this week:

1) Richard ShermanJDS feels like Sherman rose to the challenge of facing the despised Niners, mostly kept his cool, and ultimately was a beast when it counted and locked down and on Colin Kaepernick.

Jaxie is Impressed
Jaxie is Impress

2) Jay Cutler JDS believes that Kristin Cavaleri is hotter than even the great Lacey Chabert, and has worked wonders for previously underrated Commodore Cutler – who’s led the Monsters of Midway to a 2-0 start.

3) Ron Darling – Jaxie/JDS loved that Ronnie called out the signature free-agent signing of the Sandy era – Frank Frank (Frank Francisco) when he did what cowards always do; drilled a guy in the back with a 3-0 count when e knew he wouldn’t get a single AB the rest of the season, and therefore couldn’t be held physically accountable as he should be.

Thanks Mister d!!
Thanks Mister d!!

4) Al Marchfeld – An employee of the Knicks and MSG for 63 years, Mr. Marchfeld passed away last week at 80-years-old. JDS met Mr. Marchfeld unexpectedly one day about a year ago, when he was ordering in line at Bagel Boss. A true gentlemen with a professor’s knowledge of New York sports and universally loved and respected for his warmth and kindness, he made JDS feel special that day by asking about him; showing interest in him. What a sweet guy Al was.

5) Travis d’Arnauld – In spite of the .133 BA and no facial features whatsoever, he was kind enough to give JDS his autograph before the Mets-Nats game the other night. Little things make kids smile. Players should remember what they were like as kids and remember that signing a ball for a kid can be life transforming.

Speaking of life transformers, Angry Ward tomorrow.

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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake