FLUSHING, NY – The world anxiously awaits the results of further tests being done as we speak on All-World NFL QB Ron Jeremy. The fate of the Green Bay Packers season surely rests on Jeremy’s strong right arm. And as one of the three most famous alumni of *FSA’s Benjamin Cardozo HS in Queens, we wish Jeremy a speedy recovery. And for those wondering, Fake Sandy Alderson currently ranks No. 11 on that list… But let’s not get away from the non-stop obliteration of that do-nothing, smug-as-hell, Real Sandy Alderson, who is in the spotlight as MLB Free Agency starts today.
What does this mean, and what blueprint should Real Sandy follow? Well, it must be done with a balance of trade and free agent pursuits that make sense, so the chances of Real Sandy actually executing on anything resembling a “plan” are quite remote. After all, this is Sandy and these are the Wilpons – who were the worst people on the planet well before Olbermann started ranking them. I know this personally as I took Drivers’ Ed with Jeff Wilpon back in the day and recorded one of his sessions – in case I ever needed to hold something over him. So, anything and everything that emanates from their mouths or from that of PR lackey Jay Horwitz should be presumed a lie. And this is the most disturbing quality, in fact the only consistent quality, exhibited by Real Sandy since his arrival; that of shamelessly lying with impunity for his felonious bosses. Ex-Marine Real Sandy will do and say anything to deflect criticism of the Wilpons; lie unabashedly to protect these felons just so he can “ascend” to the Commissioner’s job once Bud Selig slithers into retirement to spend the fortune he’s amassed looking “the other way” for 20 years.
The Mets send Jacob DeGrom to the Washington Nationals for 1st Baseman Adam LaRoche. LaRoche has just one year left on his current deal with the Nats and they want to move cigar store Indian Ryan Zimmerman to 1st and move Anthony Rendon to his natural spot at the Hot Corner. LaRoche is not a 2009 Albert Pujols, but he will hit 25 HRs, drive in over 90 and play a very good 1st base. The difference between him and either Walk of Death Duda, or born-to-the-manor Ike Davis, is extraordinary.
The Mets make their first “significant” FA signing since Real Sandy said to himself in 2011, “How can I absolutely waste $12.5M and still not get criticism from anyone in the New York press? Oh yeah…I’m going to give 2 years to Frank Francisco!” They will sign Jhonny Peralta to play SS for 2 years. Yes, he’s a Biogenesis poster boy, and yes his range is no better than average. But have you seen the slop that Real Sandy has trotted out to play SS the last couple of years? Even without the juice, Peralta is light years improvement over Tejada and the Q-Dog… Sign Curtis Granderson. Yes, he’s expensive but don’t the Mets have “more flexibility” than in years past because of all of those payroll commitments coming off the books? Don’t mention the $900M debt that hangs over the Wilpons that will preclude more than 87 dollars being spent this winter… it kills the fun. Granderson, unlike Ellsbury, Choo, and any other decent OF has already proven that he can “handle” New York. He’s a great guy who hustles, has power and brings legitimacy and a pedigree sorely lacking from this current roster of Mets. And he’ll be a tad cheaper than the other guys. Sign David Dejesus. He’s a solid every day OF that won’t cost a ton, who can hit major league pitching, play good defense and generally be counted on to not be over-matched against most MLB pitching as the 2013 Mets were on most nights… Sign Bartolo Colon to a 1 year deal. Sandy and Colon have lots in common. The Oakland connection. The Steroid Factor, to which Sandy turned a blind eye to historically; and the fact that Colon is a big fat guy who eats everything including innings.
Sadly though, Real Sandy has sapped the heat out of the Hot Stove League for Met fans since his arrival. His dispassionate and detached reign has taken the joy out of one of the best things we have, because the Hot Stove League is where every team is a player. Everyone can dream and big names get floated as if real possibilities in the cold, hard months of winter. Die-Hard baseball fans used to cherish this time of year. Hey, perhaps in other parts of the country they still do. But not in Queens. Real Sandy and Jeff Wilpon have broken our spirit and vanquished our ability to dream… even temporarily.
So here’s what the FSA lineup would look like going into 2014.
That’s one big ticket FA signing, Granderson, and some creativity that will elude the ancient Real Sandy. I’d also be open to flipping d’Arnaud, since his flat face and gnome-like appearance will never catch on in the big city. As for the other “Big Name” Free Agents whom Met fans covet? Here’s where they’re likely to land.
Jacoby Ellsbury: Washington Nationals. Nats are not afraid to spend money and new Manager Matt Williams is the first player to be named in the Mitchell Report as a steroid user to actually be hired to lead a team of men.
Shin-Soo-Choo: San Francisco Giants. Also never averse to opening a checkbook, the Giants love his OBP skills in spite of an abject inability to hit lefties. His Korean nationality would play very well in Flushing, but alas, Sandy doesn’t know that Choo is Korean.
Nelson Cruz: Oakland. Billy Beane surprises folks once in a while, and will sign a tarnished Cruz this time around and grab him on the cheap.
Justin Morneau: Toronto Blue Jays. He’s Canadian, and Alex Anthopolous isn’t that bright.
Ervin Santana: KC will re-sign him because they’re KC and will be unable to identify a contract-year push from a lazy guy who under-performs frequently.
And there you have it. Come back tomorrow for honorary Cardozo Alumni and a man that can piece together your vanquished dreams, Angry Ward.
*Cardozo HS Most Famous Alumni
1. Howie Rose
2. George Tenet
3. Rafer Alston
4. Ron Jeremy
5-10. Prefer anonymity after Jeremy