NEW YORK, NY – There’s just no way to sugarcoat this, so let’s get right down to it. In case you haven’t noticed, due to medically induced coma or egg nog blackouts, New York’s sports teams absolutely suck. And by “New York” I’m being generous and including the football teams that play in Jersey (as well as the Garden State’s hockey team) and that hot mess out on Long Island. Wait a minute, let me be more specific, the New York Islanders. God knows there are enough hot messes in Long Beach alone to fill a small stadium. Anyway, it’s gotten downright ugly (Bartolo Colon ugly) in the Big Apple when it comes to our professional teams, and there’s no relief in sight. Here’s the coroner’s report.
New York Football Giants. What can you say about the Giants that hasn’t already been said? I tortured myself and a friend this past Sunday by sitting through the entire 23-0 shellacking at the hands of the Seahawks. It was like watching a football snuff film. On the bright side, Eli Manning managed to give away five more footballs before Christmas. Tom Coughlin isn’t getting any younger, so if he’s gonna punch Kevin Gilbride in the head he may only have two weeks left to do so. While the Giants will end up with a high draft pick next year, they need a whole lot more than that to fix what ails them. The bad news is that they’ll probably be terrible next year too. The good news? So will the rest of their division.
New York Jets. Let face the facts people, there’s no way in hell the Jets are going to the playoffs. The best thing they can do at this point is laugh at themselves a bit and let the fans laugh along. Is it just me or does Geno Smith look like circa 1975 Jimmy J.J. Walker running around like a loose-limbed nincompoop throwing the ball all over the place? Rex Ryan has been fun but what the Jets need is a funny new head coach like former Lions coach Wayne Fontes. With J.J. at quarterback, you really need a coach who looks like Good Times superintendent Nathan Bookman on the sideline calling the plays. John Amos as GM would be a good move too. If the Jets aren’t gonna do this then they just need to pack up the tents now and get on with the hilarity of their next draft.
New York Knicks. The Knicks play in the worst division in basketball, have a 7-17 record, and their best player was named after a bad Halloween candy. Next.
Brooklyn Nets. Wait… can I go back to talking about the Knicks? The Nets also play in the worst division in basketball, sport a 9-15 record, and thought that dealing for a couple of geriatrics was gonna push them over the top this season. I live in the Bronx so I really can’t be bothered by what’s going on out in Brooklyn. It might as well be another country.
New York Rangers, New Jersey Devils, New York Islanders. The Bad, the Worse, and the Putrid of the NHL’s Metrosexual Division. If the playoffs started today, none of this trio of weaklings would make it and we’d all be out of our misery. The Islanders become Brooklyn’s problem in 2015, which means the good people of Long Island can get back to doing coke and marrying their neighbors. The Rangers have been less entertaining than Bugs Bunny on Ice at the Felt Forum. When Martin Brodeur started playing for the Devils, goalies didn’t wear masks.
New York Yankees. The Yankees failed to make the playoffs last year, which is unacceptable. Not because they spend more money than everyone but because the Mets never make the playoffs. The Bombers lost their best two players this off-season but added Jacoby Disabledbury, Brian McCann, who should hit 100 home runs if he stays healthy, and Carlos Beltran’s mole. All of those moves aside, does anyone really think the Yanks are gonna make the playoffs in 2014? You’ve got A-Rod in limbo, Jeter on his last legs, literally, and Mariano Rivera gone to retirement. Welcome to Queens, Yankees fans! And speaking of Queens, last but not least…
New York Mets. Matt Harvey will not pitch in 2014. Read that again. The Metropolitans did manage to pick up Curtis Granderson who plays defense like Agee but strikes out like Kingman. They also inked the dashing Bartolo Colon, who’s as honest as the day is long. (By the way, have you seen how short the days are recently?) If we’re being completely honest, there is no light at the end of the tunnel for the Mets at least until Harvey returns or the Wilpons sell.
So, there you have it Gothamites, we are in sports hell for the foreseeable future. Merry Christmas!